Recovery as a Lifestyle

Listen: “Recovery” by James Arthur

Everybody needs recovery from something at different times in life. You may need physical recovery from an injury or illness. You may need relational recovery from a divorce or broken relationship. You may need emotional recovery from an addiction or broken dream. Recovery does not have to be complicated, but you do have to be willing to do some work. Recovery is always a spiritual process.

 I have been in the recovery community for over two years, and I have reflected on how the principles of the twelve step recovery process apply to everyone who needs recovery from something—which, dare I say, is most of humanity at one time or another.

 The Twelve Steps can be summarized in various ways. Each step corresponds to a virtue that needs to be embraced and developed. These steps and virtues can be applied to any situation in life, particularly situations which involve recovery. Here’s a brief summary of key principles contained in the Twelve Steps.

 Surrender: Steps 1-3. The first three steps involve admitting our powerlessness over our addiction or a given situation in life. We come to realize that our life has become unmanageable, and we need a power greater than ourselves to come to our aid. These first three steps involve brutal honesty with ourselves about our situation and surrendering to God or a high power of our understanding. Many people find themselves on their knees in prayer, crying out for grace and mercy.

 Personal inventory: Steps 4-7. These steps involve courage, integrity, and humility. We do a fearless and thorough moral inventory of our own character. All of us are a mixture of character assets and defects. It’s important not to forget our character strengths, but these steps are really about getting honest with our character defects. It’s always important to do this work with a sponsor, a close friend, a therapist, or a pastor. We spend time reflecting on our own defects of character, sharing these defects with another human being (confession), and then ask God to remove these defects of character. It’s a time for personal cleansing and healing.

 Making amends: Steps 8-9. In steps eight and nine, we make a list of the people we have harmed and become willing to make amends to these people. This is where we take responsibility for the harm we have done to others. Certainly, we have all been harmed by other people, but we can only deal with our own resentments and work on forgiveness. Sometimes the hurts we have experienced are deep and need work in therapy. But it’s important to remember that we can’t get people to make amends with us. These two steps focus on what we can control—ourselves. It’s not time to blame other people for our behavior or make excuses. We simply take care of “our side of the street.” Again, it takes great humility and love to focuses on our own issues and take responsibility for the harm we have caused other people. These steps are most challenging and most freeing.

 Spiritual maintenance: Steps 10-12. The last three steps involve a lifestyle of spiritual health and vitality. Without a spiritual program, it seems like we quickly devolve back to the worst version of ourselves. Step Ten focuses on keeping a short account. If we hurt someone today,  then take care of it today. Make amends quickly. Don’t pile up a bunch or hurts and emotional baggage. Keep a clean heart. Step Eleven focuses on daily habits of prayer and meditation, and Step Twelve focuses on service to and with other people who are struggling with the same issues with which we struggled. We give away our sobriety/healing to others in order to keep it. Broken people are the best sources of healing for broken people. We all have the capacity to become “wounded healers,” to borrow a phrase from a wonderful book by Henri Nouwen, The Wounded Healer.

 This is a simple summary from my perspective. I have thought about how profound this simple program can be. It can literally rescue lives from the brink of death and destruction and restore them to a path of joy and service. It’s beautiful to see lives transformed through a spiritual program rooted in community, love, honesty, humility, and forgiveness. Individuals, families, faith communities, businesses, and organizations of all types would do well to practice these principles in all their affairs.

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Cultural Illusions

Listen: “The Cave” by Mumford & Sons

Control is largely an illusion. It’s an illusion to which we love to cling. The illusion of control makes us feel like we are large and in charge. We like to think we have control over other people, events, and circumstances. In fact, we can be addicted to control because of the false narratives it feeds our brain. One important component of recovery and spirituality is “letting go” and accepting the things we cannot change. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”

I have never considered myself a controlling personality type. Even in leadership, I majored on leading through vision, inspiration, and grace-based gifting. I always had an aversion to leadership based in control, guilt, and manipulation. However, I still find myself finding comfort in the illusion of control, even if it’s the sense of control that comes from daily routines that I create for myself.

The truth is: we control very little in this life. This truth was recently illustrated to me as I traveled in Ethiopia (my first trip to Ethiopia was almost twenty years ago). I have grown to love Ethiopia; its people; and its history. However, after a few days in Ethiopia, I begin to realize how culturally conditioned I am to a sense of control.

There are so many cultural differences between Kansas City and Addis Ababa (the capitol of Ethiopia)—the language, the food, the history, the people, and the music stand out immediately. I love these cultural differences, but sometimes they expose my illusion of control with which I live and function. I will comment on three cultural differences that expose my illusion of control.

Making plans. All of us make plans that fall apart. After making several trips to Ethiopia, I realize that plans in Ethiopia change on a daily basis (certainly more frequently than I have become accustomed). Two reasons I have noticed: (1) infrastructure issues like the internet, roads, and utility services regularly interrupt plans because they aren’t as smooth and reliable as I have grown accustomed (for example, electricity shuts down frequently); and (2) Ethiopians are more family and group oriented in their decision making. Therefore, plans can change daily based on the input of many people. Constant change in plans can make me feel edgy and out of control. Even the best made plans with well thought out contingencies can fall apart anywhere in the world. How many plans fell apart when the pandemic hit? How can we foresee illness, injury, economic markets, mechanical or system failures, or broken dreams? Strategic planning is an important skill for life and business, but it gives us an illusion of control of which we are sometimes unaware.

Food service. This may seem silly, and it is. But it still exposes my illusion of control. I have noticed in Ethiopia that ordering food and serving food takes two to three times longer than I have grown accustomed (and this is true most places in the world outside of America). In Ethiopia, when you order from the menu, the item you pick is a discussion opener. Most of the time the item ordered creates a conversation about what you really want or what will really be served to you. It can take a long time to order. Then it takes a long time to get what you ordered. Many times it takes so long I think the servers or the kitchen have forgotten about my order. Do I have any control over how fast my food is served unless I’m serving it in my own house?

 Travel. Driving in Ethiopia is an extreme sport. It’s like four wheeling with more obstacles than just the terrain. If you think potholes are bad in your city, just drive around in Ethiopia and you will have a new appreciation for your local road crews. Even highways can be full of potholes every four hundred meters. Also, roads are not for cars only. People use roads and highways like sidewalks. Kids regularly play in the streets. All the roads and highways serve as pathways for goats, donkeys, and cows that are herded and driven on the roads. So when you are driving you are constantly dodging goats, donkeys, cows, people, and potholes. Ethiopians are so used to it, they don’t think about it. It’s normal for them. It takes an American like me to observe and comment about the situation for the Ethiopian driver to realize the humor I find in the adventure. I don’t know what the fatality rates are on Ethiopian roads, but I am surprised I haven’t witnessed more accidents. Ethiopian drivers are amazing at navigating the obstacles in the road. The part that affects my illusion of control is how long it takes to get anywhere. Throw traffic jams into it, and I can find myself feeling frustrated and out of control on the roads in Ethiopia.

Don’t misunderstand me. These cultural differences are not a matter of right or wrong, good or bad. I love cross-cultural experiences. I love the differences. I love to travel and immerse myself in the people. I travel to connect with the people and culture far more than visiting tourist sites.

The point I am trying to make is how culture differences can expose my need for or sense of control. When things don’t go according to my expectations, I can get edgy, angry, and agitated. I can lose my sh*t and my serenity.

 Learning to let go and let God is a daily practice. By relinquishing control, trusting in my higher power, and practicing gratitude in the moment, I can regain my sense of peace and serenity. It’s process for me—learning to live in the moment with gratitude—instead of constantly wanting to change what is, or speed up what is not.

 “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Spiritual Awakenings

Listen: “Your Heart is an Empty Room” by Death Cab for Cutie

Our spiritual journey in life is never a straight line; it’s not like a growth graph that’s moving up and to the right all the time. Instead, it’s full of twists and turns, ups and downs. It includes faith adventures, spiritual awakenings, and soul unravellings. Sometimes we are simply picking up the broken pieces, rearranging them, and finding the resources to hope and dream again—believing that new beginnings lead to new possibilities.

 Over the past year, I have been doing podcast interviews with interesting friends and acquaintances on a variety of topics, but the common theme is always spirituality as it emerges in the spiritual journeys of each person’s life story. If you think about how Ken Burns has chronicled Americana through documentary storytelling by exploring topics like Jazz, Baseball, National Parks, Wars, and Prohibition, I am making a humble attempt to explore spirituality through the stories of individuals. I have interviewed mental health workers, CEO’s, singer/songwriters, authors, cyclists, faith leaders, meditation and yoga instructors, and recovery workers.

 Over the past forty years, I have served as a pastor/teacher to people in multiple states in America, and I have taught internationally as well. As I travel and teach, I love hearing people share their spiritual journeys and their spiritual awakenings. I have also been working in the recovery community in Kansas City for the last two years, and I have heard hundreds of stories from people in recovery. Many people talk about a spiritual awakening as a result of working the Twelve Steps: “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

 I have been pondering the many different ways in which people experience spiritual awakenings. I have also reflected on my own spiritual journey. Bottom line: I love to encourage and support people in their journey of spiritual growth and transformation. Some of these experiences can be sudden and revolutionary and some can result from a slow, educational process. Here are a few of the ways I have observed spiritual awakenings in others or myself.

 Encounter with nature. It’s hard to get out in nature and not see beauty all around us. Sometimes we can become fascinated with a fantasy world in which tree leaves are pink and dogs are purple (like children’s fantasy or science fiction), but is it any less fascinating to meditate on a tree whose leaves are green in the summer and bright yellow, orange, and red in the fall? Or the variety of wild flowers whose colors display the full palette? Beauty in nature awakens us to something transcendent and greater than us. It speaks to us. “Just ask the animals, and they will teach you. Ask the birds of the sky, and they will tell you. Speak to the earth, and it will instruct you” (Job 12:7-8).

 Mystical experiences. This is a fascinating category. I have found that many people have had mystical or paranormal experiences, but they are afraid to talk about them for fear of being labeled mentally off. These experiences can be hard to describe, but they may include encounters with dead relatives, vivid dreams, ghosts, evil presences, spirit animals, visions of Jesus or other saints, and mystical voices. Mystical experiences can awaken us to something transcendent and greater than us. Properly discerning and interpreting these experiences can lead to spiritual growth and transformation.

 Divine timing. There are a host of experiences people have which point to divine timing of some sort. Maybe it’s the Universe syncing up in our circumstances and opening or closing an opportunity in such a way that we can’t deny the numinous nature of the timing. Maybe it’s a well-timed message that comes to us through a friend, a loved one, a song, a speaker, a teacher, a book, a child, or your pet dog—or maybe a blog! Divine timing can awaken us to something transcendent and greater than us.

 Emptiness of craving. All of the major faith traditions have reflections on the dark side of desire or cravings. In the Judeo-Christian tradition, the desire or lust for money, sex, and power can distort the true meaning of life. These false gods can destroy our lives in the same way that addictive substances and behaviors can destroy our lives. In the Buddhist tradition, cravings are the primary source of suffering. True spiritual awakening can occur when we are liberated from cravings. Regardless of one’s faith tradition, everyone has experienced the dissatisfaction of misplaced desires or the emptiness of more, more, more. Always wanting what we don’t have. An encounter with emptiness can awaken us to something transcendent and greater than us.

 Soul unravellings. Life crises always contain a double edge. By life crises, I am talking about life circumstances that shake the foundations of our life. They can strike haphazardly without cause or they can result from a series of our own choices. David Brooks wrote an excellent book on this topic called The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life. He talks about the four major pillars on which we build our life—career, marriage, faith, and community. When one or more of these are shattered (illness, tragedy, broken dreams, etc.), we can go through a deconstruction of our faith and life. Even though these crises are traumatic, people can rebound and experience post-traumatic growth. Dark days, months, and years can lead to seasons of spiritual growth and transformation. An encounter with darkness can awaken us to something transcendent and greater than us.

 Educational encounters. Sometimes people experience spiritual awakenings as a slow, learning process. No bright lights. No sudden transformation. Just a slow, winding, sporadic process of growth. This type of spiritual awakening usually doesn’t happen by accident. Someone usually leans into their spiritual hunger intentionally by connecting with a spiritual group of some sort. It might be a church, a synagogue, a yoga class, a recovery group, a Bible study, a seminar, a book study, a spiritual retreat, a spiritual mentor, or a college class, but you lean into a growth process with other people. Over a period of time, you will be able to look back and see that you have grown and developed spiritually.

 These are only a few of the ways people experience spiritual awakenings. I believe it is best to lean into these experiences of spiritual awakening. Treat them as a treasure to be explored and nurtured. If you ignore them, they will gradually diminish and our spirituality will become anemic.

 My purpose for starting Spirituality Adventures is to ignite spiritual growth and transformation through blogs, podcasts, events, Bible teaching, small groups, and outreach. Check out all the ways you can engage in bonus content at our website: spiritualityadventures.com. Thanks for reading and supporting.

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Spiritual Guidance or Discerning God’s Will

Listen: “Be Thou My Vision” Official Music Video—Audrey Assad

I recently received an email from a friend who has been in recovery for many years. She is dedicated to the Twelve Step program, but still wrestles with issues of faith and discerning God’s will. Here is an excerpt of what she wrote to me:

One major stumbling block for me— in AA, in wanting to find religion, in life….how do I follow the will of God (higher power, some worthy guide, however defined) ? More precisely, how does one know/recognize or tap into the will of this higher guide/God? 

You could follow the Bible, but much of it is like fiction or literature….some of it might be a guide book… even so, the Bible cannot cover the day to day, moment to moment answers to each individual person’s specific life happenings and predicaments, occurring specific moment to specific moment, with a specific idiosyncratic context adjoined.  Following some guidebook such as the Bible, Koran or Torah means variation depending on religious perspective, not to mention variability in individual people’s interpretations….

So how does one  know or even guess God’s will? 

Prior to my personal life crisis, I confidently taught people how to discern God’s will and felt confident in my own ability to discern God’s will for my life. For the last couple of years, I have struggled with faith and discerning God’s will. I still consider myself a follower of Jesus, but it’s been a “dark night of the soul’ even though I have prayed daily for over two years to know and follow God’s will. As a pastor for forty years, I never really understood why people struggled with knowing God’s will. It came so easy for me.

Despite this struggle, I have thought deeply about how I might discern God’s will or a “higher purpose” for my life. I have thought back on how I taught others to discern God’s will and how some of those ideas may still be helpful to me and to others. Whether you are a spiritual seeker, an agnostic, a Buddhist, a Muslim, a Jewish believer, or a follower of Jesus, I think there may be some wisdom in the paradigm.

It’s a paradigm with a foundation and three pillars placed on the foundation. I’d love to hear your feedback. Let me know if you think it’s helpful.

Foundation. The foundation consists of core values, guiding principles, or sacred texts. I have always gone through a process of writing out my core values. I intentionally rethink them every three to five years, but they have remained fairly consist. Even now. I usually try to limit my core values to my top ten list. This forces me to think about things that guide my personal values—how I want to show up in the world—how I relate to myself, others, God and how I navigate decision making. They are not theological doctrines but more like the core principles that guide the way I live my life. I have actually written a blog on each of my top ten core values in 2021 (available at spiritualityadventures.com). Most of my core values are biblical and Jesus-centered. A great example of foundational principles is the Twelve Step program of AA. The principles of AA are very biblical, but they are written in a way so that people of all faith traditions (or no faith tradition) can access them. In fact, to my knowledge, the principles of AA would resonate with all the major faith traditions and people who seek to practice service to humanity for the greater good.

Pillar One: Circumstances. The first pillar on top of the foundation is circumstances. Many circumstances in life are beyond our control, but we must accept and respond or seek to change. Sometimes doors of opportunity are opened with unusual timing. Sometimes doors of opportunity are slammed shut. Carl Jung talked about synchronicity—a well timed message or an encounter with a person or group that seems to resonate with meaning and purpose. I call these things divine appointments or divine timing of circumstances. Everyone must process the circumstances which life presents to us—facing reality—or life on life’s terms. I have grown to love the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Make it so Lord!

Pillar Two: Counsel. The second pillar is seeking wise counsel. Seeking wise counsel is a biblical value. There are dozens of passages in the Hebrew Bible about the importance of counsel. “Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success” (Proverbs 15:22; NLT). Each person needs to find a constellation of mentors and/or counselors who identify with your core values and who are committed to your success. These counselors may consist of close family members, friends, colleagues, professional counselors or therapists, clergy, and business associates.

Pillar Three: Heart. This pillar goes by various names. I’ve heard it called intuition or inner peace. People in the recovery world know how deceptive the heart can be when under the influence of substances, but truth be told, everyone must rely on their own intuition to navigate much of life. Malcolm Gladwell has written an interesting book on “thin-slicing” entitled Blink. Thin-slicing is our ability to use limited information from a very narrow period of experience to come to a conclusion. What some might call intuition or instinctive abilities. Everyone uses them everyday to navigate life, relationships, and work. Our heart is always influenced by many factors such as environmental factors (nurture), hereditary factors (nature), opportunities, obstacles, hurts, habits, hang ups, hopes, family, and relationships. All of us consult our internal guide on a daily basis. I believe our intuitions can be honed and developed over time through spiritual growth. 

This paradigm is not a slam dunk for knowing God’s will or living for a higher purpose, but it certainly moves us in a good direction. Prayer envelopes the whole process. I honestly think it’s more about the kind of people we are becoming in relationship to ourselves, others, and our higher power than any one particular decision. This paradigm does not eliminate doubt, questions, or indecisive moments.

Maybe it goes without saying, but the more important the decision, the more important it is for everything to be in synergy. There is a big difference between deciding what to wear in the morning and deciding a career path, a life partner, or how to raise your children. Hundreds of small decisions are made every day without much consideration, but it’s always good to be kind to your neighbor. Hard to go wrong when you practice loving God and loving your neighbor.

I wrestle with this paradigm everyday as I seek to move forward and do God’s will at this juncture in my life. It’s seems more challenging now than ever before. May God bless you and keep you and shine his light upon you, in you, and through you as you seek to do God’s will and live for a higher purpose.

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Faith Adventures

Listen: “Renegades” by X Ambassadors

Do you like adventures? Based on television advertising, everybody in America loves an adventure. Americans want to look young and adventurous, even if they are not. Adventure sports like mountain biking, rock climbing, skating, and four wheeling are used in marketing to sell just about everything. People want to drive a Sports Utility Vehicle even if they never drive it off road and get it dirty or scratched.

However, the reality is—most adults prefer comfort, safety, and security. I am reminded of a conversation which Bilbo Baggins had with Gandalf in J. R. R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit.

Gandalf: “I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it’s very difficult to find anyone.”

 Bilbo: “I should think so—in these parts! We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner! I can’t think what anybody sees in them.”

 Gandalf: “You’ll have a tale or two to tell when you come back.”

 Bilbo: “You can promise that I’ll come back?”

Gandalf: “No. And if you do, you will not be the same.”

It’s true. Adventures have a way of changing us. I have always viewed following God’s will as a faith adventure. I realize that some people who are not inclined towards adventure sports like I am may not find this analogy useful, but surrender to a higher power, living for a higher purpose, and serving humanity for the greater good are faith adventures in my book. Do you prefer safety and security over adventure?

I was listening to a podcast which Brené Brown did with David Eagleman in 2020. Eagleman is a neuroscientist and internationally best-selling author. He teaches brain plasticity at Stanford University and is the creator and host of the Emmy-nominated television series The Brain. Brené and David were discussing how to keep your brain malleable as you grow older. It’s almost like you need to work your brain out to keep it healthy just like you do your body. At the end of the interview Brené says: “ Staying malleable is staying awkward, brave, and vulnerable.” I thought, “those are perfect descriptions for how I have felt the last couple of years. Maybe there’s still hope for me!”

One of the things I have tried to do in my own recovery is reframe this dark episode of my life as an epic adventure, like Dante’s “midlife” crisis—one fraught with all the pitfalls and snares inherent in any epic journey. This reframing helps me see the opportunities for recovery with the eyes of faith, which gives rise to hope in me.

There is a chapter in the New Testament which I call the “heroes of the faith” chapter (Hebrews 11). The author of Hebrews goes through several of the most famous heroes of the Old Testament and highlights their faith adventures. None of these heroes of the faith were perfect. Some of them were far from perfect. They all had a spirituality forged in imperfection. They remind me of the adventures mentioned in The Big Book of AA:

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a)   That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

(b)  That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(c)   That God could and would if He were sought (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 60).

The author of the book of Hebrews has a similar observation: “And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him” (Hebrews 11:6; NLT). Whether overcoming an addiction or living the adventure of God’s will, faith is a necessary ingredient. Faith in yourself, faith in others, and faith in God as you understand him are essential for the journey.

 The Bible is a book of faith adventures. Noah built an ark on dry land for a flood he couldn’t see. Abram left his homeland for a country he’d never known. Joseph was sold into slavery before he ascended to authority in a foreign land. Moses murdered an Egyptian and fled punishment before he returned to Egypt to set his people free. David was a shepherd boy who defeated a giant and became king of Israel. Naomi left her native home for a people she had never seen. Jesus left heaven to come to earth. Saul of Tarsus (Paul) encountered the resurrected Christ and traveled the Roman world sharing the good news and starting churches. All of these journeys were riddled with doubt and suffering and redemption, but they teach us the way of faith.

 It’s the journey of the hero or heroine. Whether its Odysseus, St. Francis, or Bill W, every journey has the same basic elements: (1) they naively inhabit their home of origin; (2) they leave home for an adventure of some sort; (3) they encounter an unforeseen obstacle or wound which transforms their lives; (4) they find their true purpose; and (5) they give away what they have learned and discovered.

 I do not believe the human spirit thrives in risk-free environments padded with comfort, security, and leisure. It’s certainly nice to have a needed break from the stressful and sometime frantic paces in which we live, but constant comfort, security, and leisure should not be our goal in life. 

I think of creativity as a vital aspect of a faith adventure. If we are made in the image of a God who creates, then creativity is at the heart of our true identity. Singing, laughing, playing, writing, painting, thinking, learning, running, talking, building, fixing, sharing, photographing, speaking, exploring, reading, jumping, skipping, discovering, birthing, caring, nurturing, breathing, swimming, biking, hiking, renovating, recovering, loving—these are the verbs of adventurous, faith-filled creativity. They balance out the crying, stumbling, falling, hurting, deceiving, manipulating, fighting, disillusioning, fearing, controlling, irritating, annoying, forgiving, and healing.

And let’s not forget—the wounds incurred on a faith adventure, if handled creatively, become the sacred wounds through which we authentically connect with others, ourselves, and the world in which we live. At the heart of spirituality is connection.

There’s a quote I have come to love which I first heard in the recovery community. Evidently it originates with a Canadian clergyman named William Benjamin Basil King (1859-1928). He says: “Go at it boldly, and you’ll find unexpected forces closing round you and coming to your aid.” I heard actor Anthony Hopkins cite it in a paraphrase: “ Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.” Sounds like a faith adventure to me. I think I’ll join Gandalf!

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Inner Critic

Listen: “Go Easy” by Matt Maeson

Do you talk to yourself? What do you say to yourself? How do you treat yourself? Over the past two years, I have been paying more attention to my thoughts and feelings. I journal every morning when I get up, almost a free flow of my thoughts and feelings onto paper. I also spend some time reading and meditating first thing in the morning. When I meditate, I try to do some breathing, soak in my surroundings, and become aware of the emotions I carry in my body. I do what some people call a body scan. I am learning to recognize how my emotions reside in my body. This helps me reflect on my thoughts and feelings and write those down.

 In the past, if I had what I considered a negative thought or feeling, I tried to conquer it, subdue it, ignore it, or suppress it. I tried to do battle with it. Now I try to pay attention with openness and curiosity. What can I learn from this thought or feeling? What is it telling me? Even the thoughts and feelings with which I am not comfortable exist for some reason. What is that reason? What are they telling me about myself?

 One thing I have consistently noticed is how much shame I have carried over the last couple of years. I have shared this in other blogs. (Check out one I recently wrote entitled “Vulnerability and Shame.”) It is gradually healing as I own my story through vulnerability. Remember, according to Brené Brown, “shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Shame is feeling never good enough. Shame is feeling like a failure. Shame is an unwanted story or identity. Shame makes us feel small, like we want to disappear.

 So I have noticed how negative my inner critic gets when I am feeling shame. I can make a wrong turn driving down the road and lash out at myself. I can literally cuss myself out for something silly. I can misplace my glasses in my house and get angry at myself. I can get angry at myself for gaining weight, eating too much, or not getting enough done in a given day. I can still get angry at myself for things I did three or four years ago, especially when I am still dealing with the consequences of those behaviors.

 And here’s the big point. Since my perceived “fall from grace” (grace is never lost, only forgotten or discovered) and all the baggage that has come with it, I will speak to myself in ways that I would never speak to anyone. I never cuss other people out with anger. Never! In fact, I will speak to other people with kindness, love, encouragement, and forgiveness virtually all the time. Brené Brown and a host of other people will tell us to talk to ourselves like we would a close friend or someone we love. Why is this so challenging for me? Why is my inner critic so harsh towards myself? I don’t think harshly or critically towards other people. I try to love, encourage, and support other people, especially those who have had similar downfalls.

 So I have this crazy inconsistency going on inside me. I’m only harsh, cruel, and critical of myself, my failures, my human flaws, and my mistakes. When other people mess up, I simply love them and encourage them. I actually have thought a great deal about why I treat myself so harshly at times, but that’s for another blog at another time. In this blog, I simply want to recognize my inner critic and encourage practices of self-compassion.

 If you are still reading this blog, please make a few notes on how you deal with your inner critic and share them with me. Here are a few practices which have helped me.

1.     Talk to yourself like you would someone you love. I sometimes practice speaking kindly to myself out loud in order to hear my voice say kind things to myself. Jesus cited the Torah passage of Leviticus 19:18 when he spoke about the second greatest commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” For me, it would be helpful if I flipped it around to say: love yourself the same way you love others. (Read my blog “Is Self-Love Narcissistic?”)

2.     Love and forgiveness flow from God. “God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them” (1 John 4:16; NLT). I love the simplicity of this passage. In the twelve step world, your “higher power” is something greater than you that is loving and caring. Receiving love and forgiveness from God is an act of faith and self-compassion.

3.     Talk about your inner critic with someone who loves you. A close friend, a sponsor, a mentor, a therapist, or a support group is a great place to discuss this issue. Acknowledging your inner critic with other loving people is a wonderful way to disempower its voice.

Life is a journey. Travel well with yourself.

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Suicide

Listen: “Rain” by grandson & Jessie Reyes (from The Suicide Squad)

I understand suicidal thoughts now more than I ever did when I was a full time pastor. I have found myself reflecting on the unprecedented suicide epidemic in America this week. A few days ago I heard the tragic news about Luke Aaron Sickman (July 4, 1983- September 20, 2021) ending his life. Luke was a Facebook friend, and I met Luke at Vineyard Church when I was Senior Pastor. When I heard of Luke’s death, I checked my Facebook messages from Luke. He friended me on Instagram and Facebook in June of 2020 when I was recovering from a broken collarbone due to a cycling accident. My last correspondence from him was on June 28, 2020. Here is our chat:

Hey pastor Fred! How was your week? (Luke)

 It was good. What are you up to? (Me)

Oh not much these days. I started my own electrical company a couple months ago. Which has been going well. I might have already told you that on Instagram. However it’s been going so well I cherish the times when I slow down for a bit. Lol how is your collar bone feeling? (Luke)

           Ok. Good to know. Still sore but definitely progressing. (Me)

I am glad you’re progressing. Also glad we have reconnected. Anything I can pray for you about? (Luke)

 Well thanks for asking. Still seeking guidance for my future (Me)

 Sounds good. I will add that to my list! God has the most amazing thing for you! I believe that! I can’t wait to hear about your blessing! (Luke)

 Luke was upbeat. He was encouraging me and praying for me. I am so grateful for his demonstration of love and kindness. I wasn’t aware of his struggle. I wish he would have reached out.

As I was reflecting on Luke’s life and kindness, I remembered my darkest days in 2018 and 2019. When I went to rehab in November of 2018, I was experiencing some of the darkest days in my life. I was detoxing off Xanax and alcohol, taking four rehab drugs which I had to detox off of after rehab, and realizing that I was losing everything—my marriage, my career, my church community, my financial security, and my faith. I had a panic attack for the first time in my life and one of the doctors interviewed me and asked me if I was suicidal. I didn’t know what to say. I had never had suicidal thoughts in my life. I told the doctor I felt dark and lost, almost engulfed in darkness, but if a gun was next to me I wouldn’t kill myself.

The doctor decided to put me on suicide watch for a few days, which means someone followed me around in rehab 24/7 for a few days. A lady sat by my bed all night long and followed me to the bathroom in the middle of the night. She was very pleasant, but I felt humiliated. Not knowing I was a pastor who had studied the Bible my whole life, taught the Bible my whole life, and earned multiple theological degrees, she handed me a Bible and encouraged me to read it. She said it might help me. I told her “Thank you. I’ll take a look at it.”

When I returned home from rehab, things didn’t get much better. I had signed the resignation documents my board of directors gave me while in rehab and my wife had filed for divorce while I was in rehab. I had to put my house up for sale and hire a divorce lawyer when I got back home. If “10” is on top of the world and everything is great and “1” is suicidal thoughts streaming, I was a “2.” I was humiliated—full of anger, shame, and self-loathing. I didn’t want to go out in public; I thought about moving out of Kansas City; and I felt like I had hurt, offended, or disappointed thousands of people in Kansas City and around the world. Yeah, the thought crossed my mind everyday when I woke in a cloud of darkness: “Maybe everybody would be better off without me around.” I never had an actual plan to end it all, but it was dark. Ugh!

The last two years I have talked, listened, and counseled with people who have either attempted suicide or thought about it seriously (suicidal ideation). It’s an epidemic in America and the tenth leading cause of death in America. Middle aged white males account for about 69% of suicide deaths in America. Please share this blog with anyone you know who has struggled with suicidal thoughts. Here are a few simple, but powerful steps to take if you are struggling.

Talk to someone. Isolation is one of the biggest warning signs. By isolation, I mean not talking about it with someone. You can be going to work, talking with family, and holding it together on the outside, but if you don’t talk to someone specifically about your suicidal thoughts with which you are struggling you won’t get the help you need. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7. Call it now (800-273-8255)!

Seek professional help. The stigma around seeing a therapist, counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist is slowly fading in our culture. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist for general anxiety disorder and insomnia. It’s not a lack of faith to access health professionals. God works through people trained in the healing arts, so don’t avoid professional help and take your meds!

Dark days don’t last forever. The dark feelings can be overwhelming, even paralyzing, like you are frozen in fear, hopelessness, and darkness. It can hang on for days, and ebb and flow over your lifetime. If you force yourself to go to a support group meeting and share with other people who are struggling, you will be amazed at how much a group of supporting people will lift your spirits. Drinking and drugging will only make matters worse, so simply google a support group near you. Type in: “AA support group near me,” or “suicide support group near me.” You’ll be glad you did.

Text or call me. Tell me with what you are struggling, and I will help network you with people who can support you. Seriously. My cell is: 816-769-2206. I love you!

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

A Daily Reprieve

Listen: “Breaking the Habit” by Linkin Park

Most everybody I know has struggled with difficult emotions like fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, and shame, or an addiction of some kind. Substance addictions could include alcohol, abuse of prescription drugs, street drugs, and food issues like overeating, bingeing, and purging. Behavioral addictions could include compulsive cleaning, gambling, shopping, working, exercising, caregiving, gossiping, hoarding, sexual activity, internet gaming, and social media use. All addictions are behavioral even if a substance is involved and seek to active a dopaminergic surge for the primitive brain.

I tend to think of an addiction as a pattern of behavior in which we engage to comfort ourselves in order to avoid stress, pain, or emotional discomfort. The behavior becomes repetitive, and winds up continuing the behavior to deal with the discomfort of withdrawal from the prior attempt at euphoria. Its long term consequences can result in emotional, relational, financial, or physical damage. We can end up hurting ourselves and others. Not all habits for dealing with stress and discomfort are destructive (healthy habits are vital), but addictions are always destructive in the long run.

The addictive behaviors are typically not the problem, but often the symptom result of a long standing deeper emotional issue. This is why emotions like fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, and shame need to be processed. Most of the substances and behaviors I have just mentioned, with a few exceptions, can be used and practiced in a healthy way. In the case of alcohol and drugs, the substance itself can become a major part of the problem. However, once the physical addiction is broken, the deeper emotional issues must be processed and healed.

This is why true recovery is a spiritual journey. The addictive behavior and the underlying emotions take control, occupy our mind, defend their territory, create reasons for their existence, and demand ultimate allegiance. We become a slave to the addiction and the underlying emotions, and we will defend them to our own detriment which can sometimes include death.

The struggle for emotional health and freedom is a spiritual process. Spirituality is connection to self, others, and something greater than us that is loving and caring. Our addictions are “cunning, baffling, and powerful” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 58). This is why AA and other Twelve Step programs emphasize the spiritual nature of recovery. The Big Book of AA says: “What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. ‘How can I best serve Thee—Thy will (not mine) be done.’ These are thoughts which must go with us constantly” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 85).

Daily surrender to your higher power is an important spiritual practice. Some people start each day with “please.” “Please help me stay sober and do your will this day.” Many of these same people end each day with gratitude. Thanking God for the blessings of the day however small, simple, or ordinary the blessing might be. Gratitude is a spiritual practice.

We need daily spiritual practices to maintain a healthy spiritual condition. Practices like prayer, meditation, service, support groups, spiritual reading, journaling, daily reflections, gratitude list, and small groups function like daily nourishment for our soul. We need daily food for our spiritual hunger.

I have found that the more powerful the addiction, the more important it is to build an abundance of spiritual practices into our daily routines. One of the spiritual practices which is especially important for defeating the toughest addictions and emotional struggles is the practice of rigorous honesty with others. Call it confession or sharing with a trusted friend, sponsor, or therapist. Some of the most powerful addictions only begin to lose their power when we get honest and share our struggles with another person. It’s especially powerful when we share with someone who has struggled with the same issue and found a way out. For example, the brilliance of the AA Twelve Step program is alcoholics talking to alcoholics and sharing their experience, strength, and hope.

In essence, we build community and vulnerability around our shared addictions and struggles. This has a magical power to heal our deepest wounds. We find a daily reprieve in a refreshing stream of grace-based community.

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Reprocessing Anger into Grace

Listen: “Praying” by Kesha

Throughout most of my life, I have never been someone who harbored anger or bitterness in my heart towards people, even people who hurt or offended me. I’d rather forgive, love, and pray a blessing—in essence, take the high road. However, in these last couple of years, I have actually had to consciously, consistently choose to walk in forgiveness and grace towards myself and others. It’s been a challenging part of my faith journey for the first time in my life.

There are several varieties of anger. Anger can have a positive and adaptive force in life. For example, we typically respond with anger to real or perceived injustices. Many important and powerful actions for justice and compassion have emerged out of anger towards injustice, like the civil rights movements in America and around the world. However, anger can also devolve into personal resentments and bitterness which destroy the person harboring them.

In the twelve step recovery community, people come to step four and do a moral inventory as a part of their recovery journey: “made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” At the top of the list is dealing with resentments. “Resentment is the ‘number one’ offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual diseases, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 64). One doesn’t need to be an alcoholic to identify with this statement. 

As people in recovery know so well, resentments and bitterness do more harm to the person harboring them, than to the people they wish to hurt or avenge. Several versions of this important idea have been attributed to various people. Buddha is attributed with saying, “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Mandela is attributed with saying, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” Anne Lamont said, “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” (I’ve even read a version of this attributed to Saint Augustine.)

In my mind, the most challenging version of this idea comes from Jesus. In his famous Sermon on the Plain message, Jesus says: “But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you” (Luke 6:27-28; NLT). Early in my life, I would have thought of my enemies as people who were far away. Maybe people from other countries whom we were fighting or terrorists after 9/11. As a pastor, I began to realize that our enemies are the people for whom we harbor bitterness and resentments. Our enemies might be our spouse, our child, our co-worker, our friend, or our former spouse. Usually people who are very close to us.

Love your enemy is easily one of the most challenging ethical commands ever floated into the universe. How in the world do we do that? Revenge or retaliation, get-even or an eye-for-an-eye come so much more naturally and effortlessly. And yet, they deteriorate the human soul. Practically, how do we practice loving our enemy? How do we turn anger into grace?

I don’t pretend to have all the answers. It’s a process. It’s a choice. It doesn’t come through gossip or backbiting or triangulating. A trusted friend, sponsor, or therapist is a good resource for processing with honesty as long as they are removed from the situation. Journaling is another option for processing and healing.

I recently ran across a story in the Big Book of AA which I thought was interesting. The story is entitled “Freedom from Bondage.” At the age of seven, the woman in the story was suddenly abandoned by both of her parents and sent to live with her grandparents whom she felt were strangers. The woman spent the next many years harboring anger and resentments which contributed to multiple divorces and alcoholism. Once she got into AA, she began working the steps. She came to a point in the program in which she knew she needed to forgive her mom—a twenty-five year grudge. The day she decided she needed to let go of her resentment she came upon a magazine article by a clergyman on resentment. Here’s how it read:

He said, in effect: “If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 552).

The woman tried it and said it worked. Sometimes she had to ask for the willingness, but it continued to work in other situations. So maybe this is one way of “blessing those who curse us.” So challenging. Perhaps even liberating.

Life is quite short. Why spend it drinking poison? We all need love, forgiveness, and grace. Why not spend our lives being agents of grace, instead of purveyors of hatred and revenge? Revenge leaves us all blind, repeating the cycle hurt and retaliation, until we all stumble in the darkness. We long for grace that heals and grace that liberates. God, forgive us our debts (trespasses, sins) as we forgive our debtors.

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Vulnerability and Shame

Listen: “Creep” by Radiohead

Shame is a universal condition which affects the human soul. Shame is debilitating, and in its extreme forms can lead to isolation, self-medicating, and suicidal ideation. According to Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It is an emotion that affects all of us and profoundly shapes the way we interact with ourselves, others, and our higher power.

Brené believes there is an important difference between shame and guilt. According to Brené, guilt is adaptive and helpful—guilt relates to something we have done or failed to do in relationship to our values. However, shame is never helpful or productive. Shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure.

Shame reveals itself in several ways. One of the ways we experience shame is feeling never good enough. For women, shame is imperfection in a world of “look perfect, be perfect, do perfect.” For mothers, it’s being judged by other mothers. It’s never enough at home, at work, in bed, with my parents, or with my kids. Shame is never enough. For men, shame is failure—failure at work, in your marriage, in bed, with money, with your children. For men, showing fear, revealing weakness, being wrong, or being criticized are shameful experiences.

Another way shame reveals itself is through an unwanted story or identity. It could be a story of abuse, failure, unwanted exposure, weakness, or imperfection. At a deep level, we feel flawed and unworthy of love and connection. Shame makes us feel small, like we want to become invisible and disappear.

In 2012, Brené Brown did a TED talk entitled “The Power of Vulnerability.” She shared about how this current generation of American adults are the most in-debt, obese, and over-medicated group in our country’s history. We try to numb the emotions with which we are uncomfortable. The problem is, according to the research, we cannot selectively numb emotion. Brené says: “You can’t say, here’s the bad stuff. Here’s vulnerability, here’s grief, here’s shame, here’s fear, here’s disappointment. I don’t want to feel these. I’m going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.”

Vulnerability is the pathway to healing shame. It seems counterintuitive. Why would anyone want to open up and expose the places in their heart for which they are most ashamed? This is, unfortunately, one of the natural human impulses that hinders healing. Brené says, “When we deny the story, it defines us. When we own the story, we can write a brave new ending.”

There is an art to vulnerability. Finding a friend, a therapist, or a group of people who will listen to our story with loving support and connection is a powerful step towards healing shame. Sometimes people overshare in an effort to drive people away and reinforce their own sense of unworthiness and isolation. Oversharing is not the practice of vulnerability. However, finding a support group is a wonderful option. One of the positive aspects of living in a large city is the availability of support groups. A person can simply google the issue with which they are struggling, and there is a high probability that a support group exists around that issue. A therapist and a close friend are also great places to start a practice of vulnerability. That’s what it is—a practice or habit. We are only as sick as our secrets, so vulnerability is a vital step towards health and healing.

I remember when I read Brené’s book, Daring Greatly, for the first time. She ended one of her chapters (“Understanding and Combating Shame”) with a passage from a 1922 children’s classic The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. It’s a reminder of how much easier it is to be real when we are loved. Here’s the passage:

   “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.”

   “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

   “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.”

   “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “ or bit by bit?”

   “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

The Blue River

Listen: Dana Masters—Medley: At Last/Blue Skies

I’m drawn to rivers, especially mountain rivers. This morning (August 2021) I was sitting by the Blue River north of Silverthorne, Colorado. I was journaling, reading, reflecting, and meditating by the river. Last week I was doing the same thing by the Missouri River. The Blue River flows out of Dillon Reservoir and eventually joins the Colorado River near Kremmling, Colorado. It’s a crystal clear mountain river and designated a Gold Medal trout stream by the state of Colorado.

 While I was sitting by the river, my thoughts were streaming. Same old racing mind with which I have lived my whole life. Vascilating thoughts—hope, fear, dreams, anxiety, strategic plans, to-do lists. Then I focus on the stream and the water flowing past me. My thoughts are much like the river—flowing through me. I turn my thoughts toward God and the beauty of this mountain vista. I focus on the smell of the pine trees, the cool morning breeze, and the little chipmunk scurrying around me.

 I read a few lines from a little book of meditations by Richard Rohr entitled Just This. The section I happen to read is “thoughts versus awareness.” Richard writes: “In The Interior Castle, St. Teresa of Avila (1515-1582) says, ‘I came to realize by experience that thinking is not the same thing as mindfulness [what I call awareness]…. I had not been able to understand why, if the mind is one of the faculties of the soul, it is sometimes so restless. Thoughts fly around so fast that only God can anchor them.’” I’m strangely comforted by the idea that St. Teresa had a similar experience with her thoughts as I have with mine.

 Then I stumble across another meditation from Richard Rohr in a section called “neither clinging nor opposing.” Richard gives this advice: “Listen honestly to yourself. Listen to whatever thought or feeling arises. Listen long enough to ask, ‘Why am I thinking this?’” This is something I have been practicing every day for a couple of years—listening to my thoughts and feelings with open curiosity—instead of judging and suppressing them. What do I need to learn from them? Richard continues: “If you can allow your thoughts and feelings to pass through you, neither clinging to them nor opposing them—and without ever expecting perfect success—I promise that you will come to a deeper, wider, and wiser place.”

 So I let the blues flow through me. All the grief and losses I have experienced the last couple of years don’t have to pool up and drown me. They can flow through me, “neither clinging to them nor opposing them.” I can listen, learn, and grow. I can dream new dreams and experience the flow of new life—a flow that cleanses and heals and refreshes. I think I’ll immerse myself in this crystal clear blue steam of life.

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Down By the Riverside

Listen: The Call “I Still Believe” (Live) ft. Robert Levon Been

Last Sunday evening I sat by the Missouri River at EH Young Riverfront Park in Riverside, Missouri. I sat by the river to simply reflect and meditate. Even though I often appear to be calm and relaxed, my mind is always racing. Thinking. Thinking. Always thinking. Thinking about the future. Thinking about the past. Thinking about Spirituality Adventures. Sometimes positive and hopeful, and sometimes doubtful and fearful. Why am I here? Is there a God? Does God still have a plan for me? Will God be my provider? What is God’s will for my life?

I want to acknowledge my anxious, fearful thoughts and surrender them. Let go of them. Surrender to the moment. Surrender to nature, to wind, to earth, to sun, to water. Surrender to God, to the Universe. I give up. I let go. I give in. I surrender. Grateful for the moment, for life, for the gift of life.

It’s a beautiful evening—an unusual cold front for August in Missouri. The humidity is low. The breeze is blowing. Waves are lapping. My body and back are tingling with energy as I sit and reflect. Evening sun is beating down. The cicadas are singing. My body is present. Thankful for the moment.

A song comes to mind as I watch the river flow. It’s an old African-American spiritual: “Gonna lay down my burden, down by the riverside, down by the riverside, down by the riverside. I ain’t gonna study war no more.” It’s a baptism of sorts. An immersion into the sounds, and sights, and smells of this riverside moment.

A second song comes to mind. One of my favorite songs of all time—“I Still Believe.” It was released by The Call in 1986 one year before it was used in the 1987 vampire flick Lost Boys. The song was written by their lead singer, Michael Been, and keyboard player, Jim Goodwin and reached #17 on the Modern Rock chart. It was also covered by Russ Taff in 1987 and the Protomen in 2015. It’s an incredible song about believing in the dark.

I’ve been in a cave

For forty days

Only a spark

To light my way.

I want to give out

I want to give in

This is our crime

This is our sin

Certainly a reference to Israel’s forty years of wandering in the wilderness, and Jesus’ forty days of temptation in the wilderness. “Forty days” serving as a metaphor for the dark days, months, or years through which people journey. The song vacillates between describing dark days and then the struggle for faith and the surrender to believe.

But I still believe

I still believe

Through the pain

And through the grief

Through the lives

Through the storms

Through the cries

And through the wars

Oh, I still believe

Flat on my back

Out at sea

Hopin these waves

Don’t cover me

I’m turned and tossed

Upon the waves

When the darkness comes

I feel the grave

But I still believe

I still believe

Through the cold

And through the heat

Through the pain

And through the tears

Through the crowds

And through the cheers

Oh, I still believe

This song has always comforted me. When I hear it, the brutal honesty and the passionate cry washes over me. The surrender to walk by faith in the dark even when you can’t see or feel what you are longing for.

For people like us

In places like this

We need all the hope

That we can get

Oh, I still believe

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Was Jesus Irreligious?

Listen: “Jesus Walks” by Kanye West (Clear Channel Stripped)

An irreligious person is someone who is hostile or indifferent towards “religion.” So what is meant by “religion”? How we define religion will determine whether or not Jesus was irreligious. Religion is a difficult word to define because it has taken on popular overtones that are largely negative in American culture today. When you look at the dictionary definition, “religion” means a reverence for and belief in God or gods. Its Latin root means “to bind” or “connect.” So religion can be used in a positive sense as describing someone who is devoted to God/gods and one who practices compassionate connection with others (as in, love God and love your neighbor). Most people in today’s culture would call this “spirituality,” instead of “religion.”

In popular American culture, “religion” has come to mean an organized, rigid, dogmatic set of beliefs which, in particular, have injured and harmed people. In some situations, the offense comes from an emphasis on rigid rules over against loving relationship. In other situations, religion is seen as an oppressive force for violence, hatred, exclusion, conformity, tribalism, rejection, control, and unkindness. (Check out my blog entitled “Spirituality Adventures” for the difference between “spirituality” and “religion.”)

So was Jesus irreligious? I believe he was extremely irreligious, and he was perceived as being irreligious by many of the religious leaders of his time. Many of Jesus’ teachings were irreligious and many of his actions were irreligious. While Jesus passionately taught people to love God and love people, he was hostile to certain expressions of religion.

Jesus was hostile towards religious practices that divided people into clean and unclean groups instead of grace-based community. The setting for three of Jesus’ most famous parables reads: “Tax collectors and other notorious sinners often came to listen to Jesus teach. This made the Pharisees and teachers of religious law complain that he was associating with such sinful people—even eating with them!” (Luke 15:1-2; NLT). So Jesus tells three of his most beloved parables to further infuriate the religious leaders—The Parable of the Lost Sheep, The Parable of the Lost Coin, and The Parable of the Prodigal Son. Jesus believed grace-base community cleanses and heals.

Jesus was hostile towards religious practices that valued rigid rules instead of loving relationship. In The Parable of the Two Lost Sons (aka The Prodigal Son in Luke 15), the younger son breaks all the rules and the older son keeps all the rules. However, both sons are alienated from the father and both sons dishonor the father, only for different reasons. The “rule breaker” leaves home, hits rock bottom, and returns to the father with a humble heart; the “rule keeper” stays home, swells with anger, and injures the father with a resentful heart. Jesus believed costly love and grace could mend broken relationships.

Jesus was hostile towards religious practices that focus on dead ritual instead of compassion. In The Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:29-37), Jesus told a story about a Jewish priest and a Levite (religious leaders) who came upon a man who had been robbed, beaten, and left for dead. The religious leaders passed by and didn’t help because they feared they would become ceremonially unclean if they touched a dead man, plus they didn’t know if the man was Jewish or not. A Samaritan man (people whom Jews discriminated against) finds the man and displays costly love to help the man. The Samaritan becomes the hero of the story. Jesus believed it was more important to show compassion and costly love to a fellow human being than rigidly adhere to religious purity rituals.

Jesus was hostile towards religious practices that excluded people based on social status, lifestyle, or nationality instead of radical inclusion. In The Parable of the Great Banquet Feast (Luke 14:15-24), Jesus tells of a wealthy nobleman who invites an elite list of guests to his dinner party. The elite guests make lame excuses for not attending. The nobleman tells his servant to go out and invite the outcasts and misfits of Israel who could never return the favor. Then the nobleman goes a step further and tells the servant to go out beyond the borders of Israel and, in essence, invite people of other nationalities and religious beliefs (the Gentiles) to the dinner party. Jesus believed that God’s grace-based kingdom would include the outcasts, the misfits, the marginalized, and the strangers from around the world—a kingdom of radical inclusion.

So yes. Jesus was radically irreligious in his teachings and in his actions. I will be doing a new series of biblical teaching entitled “Irreligious Parables of Jesus.” You can purchase a download in the Spirituality Adventures online store. It comes with a set of discussion questions for personal or group study. Jesus is an amazing example of how to live in love and avoid the pitfalls of dead religion.

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Sweet Surrender

Listen: “Sweet Surrender” by John Denver

I admit it. I am a John Denver fan. In fact, he was my favorite singer/songwriter in my early teens. I graduated from John Denver to progressive rock like Yes, ELP, Jethro Tull, and Pink Floyd, but I never lost my love for John Denver. When I am driving out to Colorado and see the mountains first appear from I-70, I will usually play “Rocky Mountain High” and an assortment of other John Denver tunes (and some Johnny Cash). I have always appreciated the way John Denver captured a love for nature in his music. It’s one of his most prominent musical themes. His song “Sweet Surrender” came to mind as I was pondering the spiritual concept of “surrender.”

Over the last couple of years, I have been in meetings where people were talking about their “Higher Power.” In these recovery meetings, people come from a variety of backgrounds—atheists, agnostics, Hindus, Buddhists, Native American spirituality, Jews, Muslims, Christians—but all of them have grappled with the concept of a “Higher Power.” Belief in a Higher Power doesn’t come easy for everyone, but people in recovery have come to admit that they are powerless over a particular substance or destructive behavior and that their lives have become unmanageable. In other words, all of their efforts to manage and control their addiction have failed.

This admission leads people in recovery to wrestle with step two and three in the Twelve Step program: (2) Came to believe a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity; (3) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. For some people, this is fraught with difficulty. It’s really about surrendering our lives to something we can’t see. It’s about giving up control. Most people don’t want to admit that they are defeated, that they have failed to manage their lives successfully. Most people come reluctantly, “kicking and screaming” so to speak. Nobody shows up at a recovery meeting when things are going great.

It’s interesting to hear how people from various backgrounds describe their Higher Power. Some choose the recovery group itself—a community of people who are loving and caring. Some people choose the spiritual aspects of nature—the wonder, beauty, grace, and magic of planet earth and the Universe. Some people choose a universal life-force—an energy that connects everything. Some people choose God from one of the three monotheistic traditions—Islam, Judaism, or Christianity. (Many Christian Twelve Step groups choose Jesus as their Higher Power.)

Despite these differing conceptions of a Higher Power, every person must decide to surrender. Give up. Loose control. It can be challenging for just about anyone. I can think of biblical stories where individuals struggled with God—Jacob wrestling with God, Moses at the burning bush, Jonah in the belly of the whale, Jesus praying in the garden, Paul knocked off his horse. Even the heroes of faith struggled with surrender.

Let’s face it. Surrender doesn’t come easy. As Richard Rohr has stated: “Letting go is not in anybody’s program for happiness, and yet all mature spirituality, in one sense or another, is about letting go and unlearning” (Breathing Under Water by Richard Rohr, p. 6). Even when our present situation is not working, we would rather try our own way with a slightly different twist. We just might make it work. “We would rather be ruined than change. We would rather die in our dread than climb the cross of the present and let our illusions die” (W.H. Auden, “Apropos of Many Things”).

I have found that new situations in life and new seasons in life necessitate fresh surrender. Surrender is certainly a choice, but it’s a choice that can slip and fade over time. Surrender needs to be practiced, renewed, and refreshed with each season and circumstance of life. Yesterday’s surrender does not constitute a slam dunk for tomorrow. We can so easily return to our own devices, vices, and demise.

And yet, there is a relief that comes with surrender. A certain release of internal pressure, emotional pain, and anxiety that comes when we tap out and admit defeat. I’m done. I give up. I surrender. “If you are out there God, I surrender all.” In the words of a classic Christian hymn, “All to Jesus I surrender, make me Savior wholly thine. May Thy Holy Spirit fill me. May I know Thy power divine. I surrender all.”

 And for those who love nature and adventure, there is a sweet surrender for which we all yearn. It’s a doorway to freedom. 

Lost and alone on some forgotten highway

Traveled by many remembered by few

Lookin’ for something that I can believe in

Lookin’ for something that I’d like to do with my life

There’s nothin’ behind me and nothin’ that ties me to

Something that might have been true yesterday

Tomorrow is open, right now it seems to be more that enough

To just be here today, and I don’t know

What the future is holdin’ in store

I don’t know where I’m goin’ I’m not sure where I’ve been

There’s a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me

My life is worth the livin’ I don’t need to see the end

Sweet, sweet surrender, live, live without care

Like a fish in the water, like a bird in the air

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

One Day at a Time

Listen: “One Day at a Time” by Merle Haggard

I’m a visionary thinker. It’s always been one of my strengths when it comes to leadership. Three to five year plans came easy for me. I felt like God had given me a vision; I developed strategic plans to accomplish that vision; and I had the determination to develop a team and execute the plan. You always had to break a three to five year plan into manageable, actionable parts. You eventually worked it back to a daily plan. What do I need to do today in order to accomplish the visionary, strategic plan?

Since my three-quarter life crisis, long-term plans have been challenging. I am not pastoring a church, but I am trying to follow God’s leadership through my heart as I start Spirituality Adventures. Sometimes it feels like very small steps. Sometimes it feels like two steps forward and three steps backwards. Sometimes it’s simply—One Day at a Time.

One Day at a Time can feel very frustrating to me. Especially on the days when I feel like I make zero progress or like the vision is vanishing. I like progress and momentum. I like it when I feel like I am accomplishing short-term and long-term goals. (There are some great examples of faith-based goal setting in the Bible, like Nehemiah.)

However, I am learning that there are times when One Day at a Time is good enough or maybe even preferred. In fact, I am learning to be present in the moment and be grateful. (Truly learning. I suck at this!) Several faith traditions emphasize the importance of One Day at a Time.

Take for example, the Exodus story in the Hebrew Bible. After Israel crossed the Red Sea and began their journey in the wilderness, God supernaturally provided bread from heaven for them to eat. “Then the LORD said to Moses, “Look, I’m going to rain down food from heaven for you. Each day the people can go out and pick up as much food [bread] as they need for that day. I will test them in this to see whether or not they will follow my instructions” (Exodus 16:4; NLT). Notice they could only collect food (bread) “for that day.” If they tried to store up for the next day, the bread would spoil. Why? The passage says it was a test from God. Would they trust in God’s provision daily? Would they follow his instructions daily? Evidently, they needed to learn to receive each day with fresh faith. Each day is a gift to be received—a provision for which to be grateful—One Day at a Time.

Jesus also taught the importance of living One Day at a Time. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus taught people to practice the art of receiving each day as a gracious gift while avoiding the pitfalls of anxiety over material possessions. Jesus taught: “Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your Heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries” (Matthew 6:25-27, 34; NLT).

One Day at a Time is a bedrock principle in Alcoholics Anonymous. The first AA group was started in Akron, Ohio. Bill W and Dr. Bob were meeting with Bill D in the hospital in 1935 (the three founders of the first AA group). Bill D couldn’t imagine going the rest of his life without a drink. According to Bill D: “The next question they asked was, ‘You can quit twenty-four hours, can’t you?’ I said, ‘Sure, yes, anybody can do that, for twenty-four hours.’ They said, ‘That’s what we’re talking about. Just twenty-four hours at a time’” (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 188). The camel has become a symbol for AA members because the camel can go twenty-four hours without a drink. Sobriety is achieved One Day at a Time. Can you make it one day? Can you find the strength, support, and provision you need to get through one day without using? Life can be so challenging, and we feel like we are going to fall apart. Sometimes its even one moment at a time.

My mind is always racing—racing about the past and the future. Sometimes my mind is full of hopes and dreams, and sometimes its full of anxiety and doubt. (Yes, I have always struggled with anxiety. Sometimes my prayers are anxious prayers. Ugh.) While I was in rehab, I was introduced to mindfulness meditation. It’s a little different than the meditation I had practiced for years. I had always practiced meditation by focusing on a phrase or passage of scripture, mulling it over in my mind, and thinking about how to apply it to my life. Good stuff. But mindfulness meditation was different. It focused on the moment and learning to calm my anxious thoughts. What is my breath doing? What is my body saying to me? What am I feeling? What’s going on in my immediate surroundings? Why is my mind racing? Of what am I afraid? Can I calm myself? Can I surrender to the moment and receive it as a gift? With all my fears and sadness, hopes and dreams, can I simply breath and be grateful? For this moment? For the gift of life—in this moment, as it is? Without trying to change it or manipulate it? In the Genesis story of creation, humanity is shaped from dust, but humanity comes to life when God breathes into the nostrils. Dust and breath. Grateful—for breath! For this moment. Try it. Breath.

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Spirituality Adventures—Hopes & Dreams

Listen: “The Impossible Dream” by Josh Groban

I have three unique challenges as I see it, and many more on which I won’t focus. First challenge: emerging out of my own chaos with fresh hopes and dreams. Second challenge: starting a new nonprofit in the middle of a pandemic. Third challenge: casting a vision for a ministry that is outside the church box. Despite the challenges, this is what I feel called to do.

Spirituality Adventures is born out of my forty years of pastoral experience coupled up with my recent work in the recovery community. After founding Vineyard Church in 1990 and leading it to dynamic growth through 2018 (growth from 5 to over 5,000), I went through a personal crisis. My personal crisis was prominently published in the Kansas City Star and religious newsfeeds around the world. In 2019, I lost my thirty-seven year marriage, my church community, my vocation, and, in some ways, my faith (my faith felt shattered).

Through the support of family, friends, recovery groups, and therapists, I began to re-envision my calling from God. A friend encouraged me to start posting my thoughts and story every day on social media. I was also reading some books which focused on creative opportunities that can emerge through adversity, the things you love, and life experiences. This was in February 2020 before news of the pandemic was universally disseminated. When I thought in terms of content I wanted to share with people, Spirituality Adventures came into focus. Through podcasts, blogs, interviews, and teaching, I would provide non-judgmental spaces to explore spiritual growth.

Spirituality Adventures began publishing a weekly blog and podcast in October of 2020. I also also started my website and became accessible on social media for the first time since my crisis in 2018. These blogs and podcasts have been posted to our website, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube as well as Apple, Google, and Spotify podcast platforms. It has been amazing to me how many people we have touched in the first nine months. Here is a visual:

Our demographics range from ages 21 to 65+ with the largest percentage being females ages 25 to 45. Our website has had over 15,000 organic page visits in the last 7 months. Much to my surprise, I have given pastoral care and counseling to over one thousand individuals in the last nine months. Our Facebook page alone has reached 7,766 people in the last 15 days (first two weeks of July 2021).

My heart is to connect with people who identify as spiritual but not religious. This is a very broad and diverse group of people. In my immediate circle of connections, it would include people in the recovery community, people who have left the church for various reasons, people of differing faith traditions, and people who love Jesus (in or out of the church) but aren’t very uptight, judgmental, or religious. I have been a Jesus follower and Bible teacher for forty years, but I am enjoying the new opportunities to reach new groups of people that have opened up because of my personal/public crisis.

Currently, my blogs and podcasts are available online and/or through email for no charge. My biblical teaching series—“Extravagant Grace” and soon to be released “Irreligious Parables of Jesus”—are available by download through the online store. Events will be publicized online. All of the small groups I currently lead/facilitate are closed groups. This may change in the future. If you know someone who needs a recovery group, have them email me. I will also be leading a mentoring group for people giving at the $200/month donor tier. I also do short-term pastoral care for people without charge.

While I am pastoring, teaching, mentoring, and influencing a bunch of people, I am not doing a traditional church with traditional “tithers” as my support base. I need a financial support team to continue offering the services I have been providing for the last nine months and expanding on those services. Please consider being a part of my support team. I would greatly appreciate it!

Go to the support tab below and join the team today!

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Are You Having Fun Yet?

Listen: “All I Wanna Do” by Sheryl Crow

“Kimberly, you brought a monkey to church!” I was starting a new church in the 90’s in Kansas City, and we were meeting at Lakeview Middle School. We were a non-traditional, rock-and-roll church, and we were reaching irreligious and nominally religious people who didn’t attend church. One Sunday morning I heard some commotion in the foyer where we greeted people who arrived to attend a church service. I heard the sounds of children screaming with glee and excitement coming from the foyer, which was not a normal occurrence, so I went to check it out. When I walked into the foyer, I saw a bunch of children standing around a woman who was holding a baby monkey. The monkey was wearing diapers. I knew the woman, and I knew she struggled with some emotional health issues, but very stable most of the time.

My first thoughts were: “OMG! How did she get a monkey? Has the monkey had its shots? What the heaven do I do in this situation?” Seminary didn’t prepare me for this scenario. When I approached her I simply said, “Kimberly, you brought a monkey to church.” She says, “Yeah, isn’t it cute?” The children are still screaming with the joy, and the parents have shocked looks on their faces. I said, “It’s very cute, Kimberly, but we can’t have monkeys in church. (Even though it would be much more fun!) You are going to have to take the monkey home.” Well, she was disappointed, but she cooperated and took the monkey somewhere off the premises.

 I never did figure out how she got the monkey. I learned that she had tried to check the monkey into the nursery. After all, it had diapers. We protected her vulnerability, and she continued to come to church. One of these days I may compile a bunch of crazy church stories and publish them. I’ll call it “As the Church Turns.” Blue Collar Church Comedy Tour here we come!

 Quite frankly, I love telling crazy church stories because I’m proud of the fact that we had built a grace-based church where anybody felt welcome. I often said, “I don’t care where you’ve been or what you’ve done, you are welcome here. Everybody is welcome!” People started believing it because we loved on them and accepted them. It was one of the things I cherished most about our church. People from every conceivable lifestyle started showing up. They invited their friends. Church was never boring. It was full of drama, and we had moments of great fun. After all, monkeys never showed up at the church in which I grew up!

Grace-based communities are full of laughter and fun. Life is too short not to have fun, even when you are dealing with very serious issues. I have been working in the recovery community in Kansas City for the last couple of years. People land in the recovery community when they are at rock bottom. Many times it’s the last stop before jail, prison, or death. Many times people have lost everything except their life. They come into a recovery group, and they aren’t laughing. They aren’t having fun. They are miserable. (I was miserable when I started attending.)

Yet, the groups are not devoid of laughter. People are welcoming. They are friendly. They love telling funny stories. They never laugh at the new person who is at rock bottom, but the halls are full of laugher and friendship. In the midst of tragic stories, you find love and joy. The Big Book talks about this important characteristic. “But we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life….We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 132-133).

It turns out that humor and laughter are important components of successful executive level leadership. In his groundbreaking book, Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman explains how EI (emotional intelligence) is more important in determining one’s success in life than IQ. Goleman lays out the emotional intelligence domains that a leader needs to master: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relational management. In his follow up book, Primal Leadership, Goleman states: “The most effective leaders, then, use humor more freely, even when things are tense, sending positive messages that shift the underlying emotional tone of the interaction” (p. 35).

Ancient wisdom confirms the healing power of laughter and joy. “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength” (Proverbs 17:22). I second that! One of the great books on leadership in the Hebrew Bible is Nehemiah. Nehemiah was leading Israel in a temple building campaign in extraordinarily difficult circumstances. Yet Nehemiah understood the importance of celebrating and laughter. His famous words, “The joy of the Lord is your strength,” have been echoed down through history.

So belly up to the bar of joy and laughter. Some of the best humor emerges from the deepest places of pain. Our deepest pains and sorrows won’t last forever (thank God!), and joy comes in the morning. Are you having fun yet?

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Outward Focused Living

Listen: “Do Something” by Matthew West

Mental health is a tricky balance between attention to your own needs and issues and living a generous life of love and service towards others. I have been in the recovery community for a couple of years, and this is a balance that is taught over and over again. Stated simply: If you are not sober and healthy, you will never be any good to anyone else. Recovery is a selfish program. On the flip side, once you are sober you have to give it away. You keep your sobriety by serving others.

I think this is true for all humanity, whether you are in recovery or not. (And most everyone needs recovery from something.) Generosity and service to others is a vital part of emotional and spiritual health. In fact, many studies have been conducted on the brain as it relates to generosity. The results are fascinating—giving is good for your health. (See “Why Giving is Good for Your Health,” www.health.clevelandclinic.org.)

This is no surprise. Ancient wisdom from all the faith traditions has emphasized generosity as an important lifestyle. One of my favorite proverbs from the Hebrew Bible is Proverbs 11:25: “The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed” (NLT). Jesus taught a similar principle: “Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you” (Luke 6:38; NLT).

All of us have resources to give. Many times people only think of money, but money is just one resource. In addition to money, we all have time and talents from which we can give as well. One way to live a generous, outward focused life is to do an inventory of your resources and consider how you can invest in others generously with your resources.

 Invest your time. Volunteering your time to serve others is an act of generosity. You can do this with strangers or people who are close friends and colleagues. I like to think through the lens of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Spend some quality time with someone by practicing good listening skills and asking great questions. Reach out and touch someone—everybody needs a post-pandemic hug! Serve others through acts of kindness. Show God’s love in practical ways. Share a word of affirmation with someone. Tell them how much you appreciate them or compliment them on one of their best qualities.

Invest your talents. Everyone has some talents. It might be fixing a car, teaching inspirational content, administrative skills, creativity, social media savvy, leadership skills, building new relationships, or helping gifts. Think about serving through communities or small groups in which you are involved like sport teams, faith-based communities, recovery groups, or charity organizations. Through blogs, podcasting, events, pastoral care, and teaching, I am seeking to use my people skills, teaching skills, and leadership skills to ignite spiritual growth and transformation in people. This is why I have founded Spirituality Adventures.

Invest your money. Giving gifts is one of the five love languages. I know some people who are really good at giving small, thoughtful gifts to people. I was the recipient of many thoughtful gifts when I was pastoring a church. I was always amazed at how many thoughtful ways people would give. I have always been generous with whatever money I had. Since I was sixteen years old, I have always given more the ten percent of my income to church and other charities. Also, when I founded Vineyard Church, I gave away over ten percent of our church resources to other charities and partnerships. I’ve always challenged business owners to give out of their personal resources and their business resources. I still practice generosity in this way. If you are reading this blog, I greatly appreciate it. Please consider making Spirituality Adventuresa part of your charitable giving. Go to the support page on the website and sign up for a monthly contribution. Thanks for your support.

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Why Small Groups Are Vital for Spiritual Growth

Listen: “Lean on Me” by Bill Withers

In 2019, after a collapse of my vocation, my marriage, and my faith, I felt humiliated and full of shame, even lost and disoriented. I thought to myself: “I need to get my shit together.” I decided to start attending small groups focused on recovery. In fact, I found a home group with several small group meetings available every day of the week. I started attending a small group every morning and evening almost every day of the week for a season. I needed it. I needed a home with friends who would walk through my pain and sorrow. As Bill Withers wrote and sang:

Sometimes in our lives

We all have pain

We all have sorrow

 But if we are wise

We know that there’s always tomorrow

 Lean on me

When you’re not strong

And I’ll be your friend

I’ll help you carry on…

 As a teenager, I committed my life to following Jesus and felt called to be a pastor. It was a major change. I had been using recreational drugs for a couple of years, and most of my friends did the same thing. I needed some strong support to change the trajectory of my life, and I found that support in a small group. Two of my friends (Brad and Stan Nickle), myself, and my church youth worker (Mike Paden) started meeting together weekly. It was a simple structure. We would feed a piranha in the fish tank, share about our struggles, go over some bible study homework, and pray. We did this for a year or so and then we each started new small groups. It started a pattern in my life. Small groups have been a part of my life for over forty years.

 It’s interesting how many powerful movements throughout history have started in small groups. When Jesus started his work and mission, he didn’t create an institution. He called a few students together—The Twelve Disciples. It was a small group. They prayed together, studied the Torah together, ate together, fished together, and cared for broken people through a grace-based community. Jesus left his disciples with the mission to go and make students (open-hearted learners) who live in grace-based communities to care for the outcasts and the marginalized and the broken. Today there are millions of small groups and churches around the world. (Unfortunately, some of these communities have certainly lost their way and don’t look much like Jesus and his early followers. Church history reveals both horrific impostures and beautiful incarnations of Jesus.)

 Alcoholics Anonymous started as a small group in 1935. It’s mission was (and is) to support people who wanted to stop drinking. The principles of AA have help millions of people around the world live sober and spiritual lives. Today there are over 100,000 small groups around the world.

 When I started Vineyard Church in Kansas City, Missouri in 1990, we started with small groups. I was leading three different small groups each week, and I would also train people to lead small groups. We had a simple format: worship singing (optional), Bible teaching and discussion, sharing of personal struggles, and prayer. By 1992, we had four or five small groups with over fifty people actively engaged. By 2018, we had close to 600 small groups with over 3,000 people actively engaged.

 Why are small groups vital for spiritual growth? Two things come to mind based on my observations of more than forty years of small group involvement. First of all, vulnerability and honesty occur best in small groups. It’s hard to hide in a small group. When you attend large group events, you can definitely experience spiritual connection, inspiration, and transcendence (like a worship service, a music concert, or a sporting event). It can be very powerful. However, a large group is not the best place to make new friends or share your pain and sorrow. Vulnerability and honesty are vital for spiritual growth. Secondly, accountability occurs best in small groups, not in isolation. Isolation typically leads to stagnation, depression, and loneliness. I’m an introvert so I need some alone time, but too much alone time is a dangerous trap. We grow best together, whether we’re focused on exercise, spiritual growth, or breaking a bad habit. Small groups provide opportunities for love, support, accountability, and service.

I currently attend several small groups a week. I encourage you to make small group attendance one of your spiritual practices. Thanks for staying connected to Spirituality Adventures.

You just call on me brother [sister]

When you need a hand

We all need somebody to lean on

I just might have a problem that you’ll understand

We all need somebody to lean on

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021

Synchronicity and Other Serendipitous Phenomenon

Listen: “Follow the Sun” by Xavier Rudd

I was recently listening to a lecture by Dr. Mark Vernon on Jungian approaches to change. One of the concepts he discussed was “synchronicity.” Carl G. Jung believed that one should pay attention to meaningful coincidences in order to bring important material of the unconscious mind to attention (similar to his perspective on dreams). He defined synchronicity in slightly different ways throughout his career, but the main idea is “meaningful coincidence of two or more events where something other than the probability of chance is involved” (Jung on Synchronicity and the Paranormal by Roderick Main). According to Dr. Vernon, the more you pay attention the more this phenomenon seems to occur in one’s life.

I grew up around a dad who was and is a master at playing a game which I call “six degrees of separation.” Dad never called what he did by this name, but I gave it this name because it helped me understand what he does naturally. Dad is an extrovert. I have never seen him meet a stranger. If he is standing close to someone, even a stranger, he will typically engage them in a conversation. I call it “breaking the silence barrier.” We could be in another city or another country, standing in a restaurant lobby or on a fishing dock, and dad would strike up a conversation with someone. Within five minutes he would find out where the person grew up, what they did for a living, and most of the time he would discover some friend or acquaintance that they both had in common. No kidding. I’ve seen him do it in other countries. It makes the world seem small and interconnected.

In 2019, I returned to Kansas City from a 120 day stint in rehab in Georgia. My thirty-seven year marriage dissolved, and my forty year career as a pastor had come to a dramatic halt. I felt overwhelmed by a swirl of negative emotions like humiliation, shame, anger, fear, doubt, betrayal, and abandonment—like a man forsaken without a home. I decided to go to a recovery meeting. I wasn’t sure I belonged in a recovery meeting for substance and alcohol abuse primarily because I did not have a long history of substance or alcohol abuse. In fact, I had only combined alcohol with the use of prescription Xanax for a couple of years, and that was an attempt to deal with my insomnia. However, I knew I needed recovery from the emotional trauma of my crisis and the addictions threatening to capsize me permanently.

The first recovery meeting I attended in the evening had about a dozen people in attendance. Everyone sat in a circle. I was assessing the room and feeling uncomfortably out-of-place. My mind was racing with thoughts: “What am I doing here. I don’t belong here. This is not my home.” At the beginning of the meeting, everyone said the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Then the facilitator started reading from “The Big Book.” It’s basically the “Bible” for Twelve Step Recovery Groups all over the world. The facilitator said he was going to read a story about a successful partner in a well known accounting firm who thought he could think his way out of alcoholism. His name was Fred! (Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 39-43).

I was surprised, even shocked. I listened intently to the story of Fred. Not all the details applied to me, but I could relate to several aspects of the story—especially trying to think my way out of things. When it came around for my time to share, I introduced myself as Fred and told everyone that I could relate to much that was in the story. The facilitator of the group had never met me. He did not know my name. There are almost six hundred pages in the Big Book, and the facilitator just happened to read the only Fred story in the book. I decided I belonged and have been a part of the larger recovery community in Kansas City ever since that night.

I have always called these phenomenon “divine appointments.” Many of the stories told in the Bible are told in such a way as to heighten and magnify the drama and suspense of an unseen force moving behind the scenes. Think about the story of Joseph. Joseph was betrayed and left for dead by his brothers, but then a series of meaningful coincidences unfold which heighten the drama, both good and bad: a caravan, Potiphar’s house, a stint in prison, Pharaoh’s dreams, Joseph’s rise to power in Egypt, and finally, Joseph saves his whole family from the famine in a beautiful crescendo of redemption and grace. Or consider the story of Esther. This story in the Bible is interesting because God is never mentioned. It’s like God is at work in the shadows, in the serendipitous circumstances. The story is a series of bazaar coincidences that ultimately culminate in a courtesan prostitute (Esther) saving the nation of Israel. The most famous line from the book about Esther: “Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14).

For me, these phenomenon point to something greater than all of us. Like the concept of the butterfly effect in chaos theory, we are all interconnected on this “third rock from the sun” and small “synchronicities” can have significant and meaningful consequences if we lean into them with faith, hope, and love. As a friend of mine has said so well, “Small things done with great love can change the world” (Steve Sjogren). I love the sense of magic in that phrase, the magic we read about in children’s stories. We live on an enchanted planet. It’s brimming with life that is special and sacred. The opening verses of the Creation story in Genesis are poetic. It’s as though God sings creation into existence with rhythm and dance and poetry. Let’s pay attention, follow the sun/son, and participate in the wonder of it all.

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021