Inner Critic
Listen: “Go Easy” by Matt Maeson
Do you talk to yourself? What do you say to yourself? How do you treat yourself? Over the past two years, I have been paying more attention to my thoughts and feelings. I journal every morning when I get up, almost a free flow of my thoughts and feelings onto paper. I also spend some time reading and meditating first thing in the morning. When I meditate, I try to do some breathing, soak in my surroundings, and become aware of the emotions I carry in my body. I do what some people call a body scan. I am learning to recognize how my emotions reside in my body. This helps me reflect on my thoughts and feelings and write those down.
In the past, if I had what I considered a negative thought or feeling, I tried to conquer it, subdue it, ignore it, or suppress it. I tried to do battle with it. Now I try to pay attention with openness and curiosity. What can I learn from this thought or feeling? What is it telling me? Even the thoughts and feelings with which I am not comfortable exist for some reason. What is that reason? What are they telling me about myself?
One thing I have consistently noticed is how much shame I have carried over the last couple of years. I have shared this in other blogs. (Check out one I recently wrote entitled “Vulnerability and Shame.”) It is gradually healing as I own my story through vulnerability. Remember, according to Brené Brown, “shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Shame is feeling never good enough. Shame is feeling like a failure. Shame is an unwanted story or identity. Shame makes us feel small, like we want to disappear.
So I have noticed how negative my inner critic gets when I am feeling shame. I can make a wrong turn driving down the road and lash out at myself. I can literally cuss myself out for something silly. I can misplace my glasses in my house and get angry at myself. I can get angry at myself for gaining weight, eating too much, or not getting enough done in a given day. I can still get angry at myself for things I did three or four years ago, especially when I am still dealing with the consequences of those behaviors.
And here’s the big point. Since my perceived “fall from grace” (grace is never lost, only forgotten or discovered) and all the baggage that has come with it, I will speak to myself in ways that I would never speak to anyone. I never cuss other people out with anger. Never! In fact, I will speak to other people with kindness, love, encouragement, and forgiveness virtually all the time. Brené Brown and a host of other people will tell us to talk to ourselves like we would a close friend or someone we love. Why is this so challenging for me? Why is my inner critic so harsh towards myself? I don’t think harshly or critically towards other people. I try to love, encourage, and support other people, especially those who have had similar downfalls.
So I have this crazy inconsistency going on inside me. I’m only harsh, cruel, and critical of myself, my failures, my human flaws, and my mistakes. When other people mess up, I simply love them and encourage them. I actually have thought a great deal about why I treat myself so harshly at times, but that’s for another blog at another time. In this blog, I simply want to recognize my inner critic and encourage practices of self-compassion.
If you are still reading this blog, please make a few notes on how you deal with your inner critic and share them with me. Here are a few practices which have helped me.
1. Talk to yourself like you would someone you love. I sometimes practice speaking kindly to myself out loud in order to hear my voice say kind things to myself. Jesus cited the Torah passage of Leviticus 19:18 when he spoke about the second greatest commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” For me, it would be helpful if I flipped it around to say: love yourself the same way you love others. (Read my blog “Is Self-Love Narcissistic?”)
2. Love and forgiveness flow from God. “God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them” (1 John 4:16; NLT). I love the simplicity of this passage. In the twelve step world, your “higher power” is something greater than you that is loving and caring. Receiving love and forgiveness from God is an act of faith and self-compassion.
3. Talk about your inner critic with someone who loves you. A close friend, a sponsor, a mentor, a therapist, or a support group is a great place to discuss this issue. Acknowledging your inner critic with other loving people is a wonderful way to disempower its voice.
Life is a journey. Travel well with yourself.
Shalom
©realfredherron, 2021
