Suicide
Listen: “Rain” by grandson & Jessie Reyes (from The Suicide Squad)
I understand suicidal thoughts now more than I ever did when I was a full time pastor. I have found myself reflecting on the unprecedented suicide epidemic in America this week. A few days ago I heard the tragic news about Luke Aaron Sickman (July 4, 1983- September 20, 2021) ending his life. Luke was a Facebook friend, and I met Luke at Vineyard Church when I was Senior Pastor. When I heard of Luke’s death, I checked my Facebook messages from Luke. He friended me on Instagram and Facebook in June of 2020 when I was recovering from a broken collarbone due to a cycling accident. My last correspondence from him was on June 28, 2020. Here is our chat:
Hey pastor Fred! How was your week? (Luke)
It was good. What are you up to? (Me)
Oh not much these days. I started my own electrical company a couple months ago. Which has been going well. I might have already told you that on Instagram. However it’s been going so well I cherish the times when I slow down for a bit. Lol how is your collar bone feeling? (Luke)
Ok. Good to know. Still sore but definitely progressing. (Me)
I am glad you’re progressing. Also glad we have reconnected. Anything I can pray for you about? (Luke)
Well thanks for asking. Still seeking guidance for my future (Me)
Sounds good. I will add that to my list! God has the most amazing thing for you! I believe that! I can’t wait to hear about your blessing! (Luke)
Luke was upbeat. He was encouraging me and praying for me. I am so grateful for his demonstration of love and kindness. I wasn’t aware of his struggle. I wish he would have reached out.
As I was reflecting on Luke’s life and kindness, I remembered my darkest days in 2018 and 2019. When I went to rehab in November of 2018, I was experiencing some of the darkest days in my life. I was detoxing off Xanax and alcohol, taking four rehab drugs which I had to detox off of after rehab, and realizing that I was losing everything—my marriage, my career, my church community, my financial security, and my faith. I had a panic attack for the first time in my life and one of the doctors interviewed me and asked me if I was suicidal. I didn’t know what to say. I had never had suicidal thoughts in my life. I told the doctor I felt dark and lost, almost engulfed in darkness, but if a gun was next to me I wouldn’t kill myself.
The doctor decided to put me on suicide watch for a few days, which means someone followed me around in rehab 24/7 for a few days. A lady sat by my bed all night long and followed me to the bathroom in the middle of the night. She was very pleasant, but I felt humiliated. Not knowing I was a pastor who had studied the Bible my whole life, taught the Bible my whole life, and earned multiple theological degrees, she handed me a Bible and encouraged me to read it. She said it might help me. I told her “Thank you. I’ll take a look at it.”
When I returned home from rehab, things didn’t get much better. I had signed the resignation documents my board of directors gave me while in rehab and my wife had filed for divorce while I was in rehab. I had to put my house up for sale and hire a divorce lawyer when I got back home. If “10” is on top of the world and everything is great and “1” is suicidal thoughts streaming, I was a “2.” I was humiliated—full of anger, shame, and self-loathing. I didn’t want to go out in public; I thought about moving out of Kansas City; and I felt like I had hurt, offended, or disappointed thousands of people in Kansas City and around the world. Yeah, the thought crossed my mind everyday when I woke in a cloud of darkness: “Maybe everybody would be better off without me around.” I never had an actual plan to end it all, but it was dark. Ugh!
The last two years I have talked, listened, and counseled with people who have either attempted suicide or thought about it seriously (suicidal ideation). It’s an epidemic in America and the tenth leading cause of death in America. Middle aged white males account for about 69% of suicide deaths in America. Please share this blog with anyone you know who has struggled with suicidal thoughts. Here are a few simple, but powerful steps to take if you are struggling.
Talk to someone. Isolation is one of the biggest warning signs. By isolation, I mean not talking about it with someone. You can be going to work, talking with family, and holding it together on the outside, but if you don’t talk to someone specifically about your suicidal thoughts with which you are struggling you won’t get the help you need. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7. Call it now (800-273-8255)!
Seek professional help. The stigma around seeing a therapist, counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist is slowly fading in our culture. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist for general anxiety disorder and insomnia. It’s not a lack of faith to access health professionals. God works through people trained in the healing arts, so don’t avoid professional help and take your meds!
Dark days don’t last forever. The dark feelings can be overwhelming, even paralyzing, like you are frozen in fear, hopelessness, and darkness. It can hang on for days, and ebb and flow over your lifetime. If you force yourself to go to a support group meeting and share with other people who are struggling, you will be amazed at how much a group of supporting people will lift your spirits. Drinking and drugging will only make matters worse, so simply google a support group near you. Type in: “AA support group near me,” or “suicide support group near me.” You’ll be glad you did.
Text or call me. Tell me with what you are struggling, and I will help network you with people who can support you. Seriously. My cell is: 816-769-2206. I love you!
Shalom
©realfredherron, 2021
