Vulnerability and Shame

Listen: “Creep” by Radiohead

Shame is a universal condition which affects the human soul. Shame is debilitating, and in its extreme forms can lead to isolation, self-medicating, and suicidal ideation. According to Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It is an emotion that affects all of us and profoundly shapes the way we interact with ourselves, others, and our higher power.

Brené believes there is an important difference between shame and guilt. According to Brené, guilt is adaptive and helpful—guilt relates to something we have done or failed to do in relationship to our values. However, shame is never helpful or productive. Shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure.

Shame reveals itself in several ways. One of the ways we experience shame is feeling never good enough. For women, shame is imperfection in a world of “look perfect, be perfect, do perfect.” For mothers, it’s being judged by other mothers. It’s never enough at home, at work, in bed, with my parents, or with my kids. Shame is never enough. For men, shame is failure—failure at work, in your marriage, in bed, with money, with your children. For men, showing fear, revealing weakness, being wrong, or being criticized are shameful experiences.

Another way shame reveals itself is through an unwanted story or identity. It could be a story of abuse, failure, unwanted exposure, weakness, or imperfection. At a deep level, we feel flawed and unworthy of love and connection. Shame makes us feel small, like we want to become invisible and disappear.

In 2012, Brené Brown did a TED talk entitled “The Power of Vulnerability.” She shared about how this current generation of American adults are the most in-debt, obese, and over-medicated group in our country’s history. We try to numb the emotions with which we are uncomfortable. The problem is, according to the research, we cannot selectively numb emotion. Brené says: “You can’t say, here’s the bad stuff. Here’s vulnerability, here’s grief, here’s shame, here’s fear, here’s disappointment. I don’t want to feel these. I’m going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.”

Vulnerability is the pathway to healing shame. It seems counterintuitive. Why would anyone want to open up and expose the places in their heart for which they are most ashamed? This is, unfortunately, one of the natural human impulses that hinders healing. Brené says, “When we deny the story, it defines us. When we own the story, we can write a brave new ending.”

There is an art to vulnerability. Finding a friend, a therapist, or a group of people who will listen to our story with loving support and connection is a powerful step towards healing shame. Sometimes people overshare in an effort to drive people away and reinforce their own sense of unworthiness and isolation. Oversharing is not the practice of vulnerability. However, finding a support group is a wonderful option. One of the positive aspects of living in a large city is the availability of support groups. A person can simply google the issue with which they are struggling, and there is a high probability that a support group exists around that issue. A therapist and a close friend are also great places to start a practice of vulnerability. That’s what it is—a practice or habit. We are only as sick as our secrets, so vulnerability is a vital step towards health and healing.

I remember when I read Brené’s book, Daring Greatly, for the first time. She ended one of her chapters (“Understanding and Combating Shame”) with a passage from a 1922 children’s classic The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. It’s a reminder of how much easier it is to be real when we are loved. Here’s the passage:

   “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.”

   “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

   “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.”

   “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “ or bit by bit?”

   “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021