Anxiety

Listen: “Free” by Florence + the Machine

If I am honest, I have to admit that I have always lived with a high degree of anxiety dating back to my childhood. My parents have told me about times when I was a young child and they would take me out to eat. They said I would often “get nervous and not eat anything.” Throughout my elementary, junior high, and high school career, I was a quiet kid. I had my close friends, but didn’t socialize much beyond those friends. I was voted the “Quietest” in my graduating class at Park Hill High School in Kansas City, Missouri.

At the age of sixteen, I had a spiritual encounter which resulted in me committing myself to follow Jesus and feeling called to serve Jesus in vocational ministry. I preached my first sermon at the age of seventeen and started the Fellowship of Christian Athletes at my high school. In my career as a pastor, much of my ministry required me to function as an extrovert: preaching, teaching, leading, serving, counseling, starting a church, managing a staff, fundraising, and facilitating missional work locally and around the world. I overcame many fears and insecurities, but I was most comfortable and at ease in the privacy of my own study: reading, studying, preparing messages, and working on various advanced degrees.

As an adult, I managed to present myself publicly as a confident speaker and leader; but privately, I struggled with what doctors now call “general anxiety disorder.” The most notable symptom of this disorder in my life was (and has been) insomnia. I found my favorite Bible verses which dealt with anxiety and memorized these verses, quoting them every night as I would try to sleep. “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7; NASB). Or even a favorite of mine from Jesus: “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:33-34; NASB).

I would pray through the night and recite these verses, but sleep would still escape me. My overactive amygdala would not shut down. No matter how much I prayed, my mind would just spin all night on things like a conflict, a rejection, a message, a new venture, or a past hurt. I finally gave up on sleep and just started reading through the night. I got a lot of reading done!

After almost thirty years of three to four hours of sleep a night, I finally went to a psychiatrist at the age of fifty-five. This led me to prescription Xanax and eventually I added alcohol on top of the Xanax. The combination of alcohol and Xanax wrecked my self-discipline and upended my life.

I have spent a huge amount of time trying to analyze my anxiety, considering all the genetic sources as well as the environmental sources (nurture and nature), but after all the analysis I still have to manage and live with my anxiety. The loss of my career, marriage, church community, finances, and the impact of all that on my faith has not produced easy, anxiety-free living!

I appreciate the work of Hilary Jacobs Hendel in her book, It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self. She doesn’t provide a cure for anxiety, but gives a model for working with anxiety in a healthy way. Hendel builds on Family Systems theory and identifies core emotions (fear, anger, sadness, disgust, joy, excitement, sexual excitement), inhibitory emotions (anxiety, shame, guilt), defenses (anything we do to avoid emotions), and the seven C’s of the open hearted state of the authentic self (calm, curious, connected, compassionate, confident, courageous, and clear).

Most people have developed sophisticated techniques for suppressing core emotions through anxiety, shame, guilt, avoidance, and numbing. The suppression of emotions never works in the long run. We are far better served by listening to our emotions, naming our emotions, and understanding the purpose of our emotions. Most people have extremely poor training when it comes to emotional education and skills. People like Marc Brackett (author of Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves and Our Society Thrive) and Brené Brown are attempting to introduce emotional education in schools and workplaces.

I’ve come to grips with the reality that anxiety is going to be a traveling companion of mine for the rest of my life (s.o.b.), but I am learning to listen to it—listen to it with openness, curiosity, and non-judgmental, self-compassion. I have also discovered some practices in which I experience freedom from anxiety in the moment.

Exercise. Cycling or hiking in nature is a spiritual experience for me. The movement of my body through nature is healing to my mind and emotions.

Nature. I can also slow down in nature and find relief from anxiety in the moment. Focusing on a flower, a tree, a leaf, a bug, a bird, or a squirrel calms me. A few days ago I was journaling in nature, and I watched a ladybug crawl around on me for about thirty minutes. Watching the ladybug frantically move about my arms, legs, and journal ironically calmed my frantic mind.

Community. I am currently leading or participating in about ten groups. Most of these groups are spiritual support groups in which people are being open and vulnerable about their own fears, struggles, doubts, and questions. Humility, vulnerability, and honesty from people in community has helped calmed my own fears and anxieties as I realize I am not alone and I sense God at work in these groups.

Meditation and breath work. I have practiced deep breathing and meditation alone and in groups. It amazes me how much these exercises create awareness and help calm my fears and anxieties in the moment. I am learning and growing in these practices. I still pray all through the day and night, but I am more focused on awareness and surrender in prayer, or what some refer to as centering prayer.

Dancing and singing. I love to sing and dance, but I usually do it alone. I’m not good at either one, but they both calm my anxiety in the moment. Florence Welch of Florence + the Machine reflects on her own experience of anxiety in her song “Free.” Check out her music video with Bill Nighy (link above):

I hear the music

I feel the beat

And for the moment

When I’m dancing, I am free

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2022