Toxic Masculinity
Listen: “Better Man” by Pearl Jam
I was recently doing a podcast interview with Mike Clawson (Watch Mike Clawson Podcast Episode), who is the administrator of Illuman which is a men’s ministry founded by Richard Rohr in 2012. Illuman seeks to nurture the spiritual formation of men through retreats, support groups, and life-giving spiritual practices. During the interview, I asked Mike to comment on the issue of toxic masculinity. Mike shared that he believes toxic masculinity flows from patriarchy. Patriarchy is a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it. Most societies throughout human history have been patriarchal. In many contexts, men have basically claimed divine authority to be dominate, manipulative, authoritative, and abusive assholes—in families, churches, businesses, and governments. My grandmother was born in America before women even had the right to vote (Myrtle Leona Bond Herron, 1903-1997).
Mike’s comment reminded me of a conversation I had in the church foyer several year ago. The church I founded was growing rapidly and I was doing six identical, live services in a four hundred seat auditorium (two Saturday night, three Sunday morning, and one Sunday night service). I would greet people in the foyer twenty minutes before the service and twenty minutes after the service. People would want to talk to me about every topic imaginable—a death in the family, a troubled child, a marriage problem, a financial issue, a difficult co-worker, a theological question, politics, an illness, a cycling adventure (my favorite), or where to get their car fixed!
One Sunday morning in the foyer about ten minutes before a service started, a husband came up to me with his wife in tow. He seemed very tense and troubled, and his wife wouldn’t look me in the eye. Her gaze was downward, and her demeanor reflected a young child who was in trouble with the principle. The husband started complaining to me about his wife: how disrespectful she was, how she wouldn’t obey him, and how she had misbehaved. Then he looked me in the eye and said, “Pastor, would you tell her the Bible says that she is supposed to submit to me.”
I was immediately angered. The signs of abuse were all too obvious and grievous, but I had learned how delicate these situations are. My response could potentially increase her chances of finding help or increase her chances of more abuse. We had a ministry called “Hope Ministry” which we started in our church for women who were victims of domestic violence. We partnered with domestic violence organizations in Kansas City, and we would invite expert women in the field to train our staff on how to work with this group of mostly women and children (although occasionally men were victims of abuse). Unfortunately, I never heard the outcome of this particular situation.
As a bible teacher in the church, I taught on issues of authority, leadership, and submission in the context of marriages, families, churches, and businesses. I would focus on Jesus’ teachings, even though I couldn’t ignore the Apostle Paul’s teaching. Paul was (is) challenging because he seems to be conflicted over the role of women (and slaves as well). I would highlight Paul at his best. At his best, Paul envisioned men and women equally gifted in the Spirit (1 Corinthians 12-14 which includes the famous “love” chapter still quoted at weddings today). At his best, Paul envisioned total equality for everyone in Christ: “There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28; NLT). Even when speaking about marriage, Paul called for mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21) and he taught husbands “to love their wives just as Christ loved the church by giving up his life for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Despite these highlights, Paul did seem to fall back into cultural patterns of hierarchy/patriarchy at times.
Jesus, on the other hand, seemed to consistently challenge all of humanity to live by a set of values rooted in radical love and grace. Jesus even challenged people in positions of authority and power to reconsider how they use their power. Jesus modeled a pattern of influence and leadership rooted in love, grace, service, cooperation, and humility, as opposed to force, dominance, manipulation, oppression, or abuse. At one point in Jesus’ ministry, his disciples were vying for positions of authority. Jesus challenged them:
You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them. But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of everyone else. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many (Mark 10:42-45; NLT).
The values Jesus taught in the Sermon on the Mount were intended for all of humanity. In essence, he was flipping the script on the rich and powerful. Blessed are the poor, the humble, the merciful, the peacemakers, the pure in heart, and those who hunger for justice—clearly a set of values opposite of the rich and powerful oppressive abusers.
During my last three years in the recovery community, I have deeply embraced the practice of honesty, humility, and vulnerability. I have watched how my gift of vulnerability helps others become vulnerable about their own issues. Honesty, humility, and vulnerability neutralize the playing field of egos vying for power, authority, and admiration. It provides safe space for weakness, woundedness, uncertainty, and insecurity. It’s hard for toxic masculinity to thrive in an environment of honesty, humility, and vulnerability. If Jesus built a community today, I think it would look something like a recovery community. After all, the first three steps are about surrender to a higher power and admitting you are powerless and your life has become unmanageable. Steps four through seven are about taking a fearless moral inventory of yourself. Steps eight and nine are about making amends and forgiveness, and steps ten through twelve are about prayer, meditation, and service to others.
Both men and women need a dose of recovery from our power-tripping egos, especially men. Many men around the world are socialized into a toxic practice of patriarchy which is harmful to men, women, and children. Jesus certainly speaks to all humanity, but as a man, his values highlight a new way of living in radical love, grace, humility, and service—a wholesome masculinity when practiced by men. The way of Jesus is a way of healing and recovery for our wounded lives and culture. Love God. Love your neighbor. Love your enemy.
Shalom
©realfredherron, 2022
