Prodigal God, Prodigal Pastor
Listen: “Lost” by Coldplay ft. Jay-Z
A couple of year ago I wrote my first blog entitled “What is a Prodigal Pastor?” (https://spiritualityadventures.com/blog/what-is-a-prodigal-pastor). At the time, it had been two years since I had resigned from Vineyard Church; I had been in recovery for two years; and I was not pastoring a brick and mortar church. I had been hanging out in twelve-step halls, attending a black church, and living in the Northland of Kansas City where I had founded and pastored one of the largest churches in the city for twenty-eight years. Even though I had had a very public meltdown at the end of 2018 and lost my career, I bumped into people everyday who called me “Pastor Fred” and continued to relate to me as their pastor.
The awkward thing for me, besides feeling humiliated, was the fact that I wasn’t sure what I believed anymore. I had gone through a “dark night of the soul” and didn’t have any sense of God’s presence in my life (in 2019). I felt like an atheist even though I have never identified intellectually as an atheist.
So I was thinking to myself with much angst: “What kind of a pastor am I?” I decided to call myself a “Prodigal Pastor.” I googled the title (in November of 2020) and found one short article that someone had written using that title.
So, it’s not an officially recognized title. It’s just a title I made up for myself which seemed to fit. It still resonates with me today. The definition of “prodigal” has two nuances: (1) it is the reckless or wasteful use of resources—extravagant waste, and (2) it is the giving of something on an extravagant scale—extravagant generosity or love. The Bible contains a classic story which has been called the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32). It’s about a son in the ancient Near Eastern culture who asks for his inheritance early (very offensive to the father) and spends his inheritance on wild living. He winds up losing all his money and feeding pigs to make money and eat(about as low as you can go in Jewish culture). He finally decides to return home, plead for mercy, and hope he could work off his debt as a servant. His father sees him, runs to him, embraces him, and throws a party for him (extravagant and shocking for social norms of the period); however, the prodigal son’s older brother is disgruntled. The older brother has obeyed all the rules and his father has never thrown a party for him. He resents his brother and he resents his father. The story is a classic because it reveals how love and forgiveness can restore a wayward life; it reveals the extravagant love of a father (who represents God) towards his wayward children; and it reveals how the “rule-followers” are wayward in their anger, resentment, and self-righteousness. (See Prodigal God by Tim Keller.) Both “wild living” and “rule following” can result in different types of alienation.
I was a prodigal teenager experimenting with recreational drugs when, at sixteen, I encountered Jesus and felt called to be a pastor. I never imagined I would find myself in a second prodigal story in my fifties, but I did. As a pastor of a progressive Evangelical mega-church, I always had a heart for people outside the church regardless of lifestyle or belief systems. I never felt superior to anyone, but I did feel like I had something to offer anyone—specifically a faith community centered around Jesus.
By late 2018, I was a mega-church pastor of a growing faith community and yet I felt lost. By lost, I mean I felt disconnected from God, my vocational calling, and myself. This came about gradually over a period of three years (2016-18). For a second time in my life, I felt like a prodigal son.
In the aftermath of my private meltdown which was made public, I was questioning and doubting everything I had ever believed, yet I still hung on to the idea of a Prodigal God—a God of extravagant love. In the recovery community, people are challenged to turn their will and their lives over to the care of God or their Higher Power. A Higher Power is something greater than you that is loving and caring. In my darkest moments, I thought: “If there is a God, I hope he/she/it is an extravagant God of love. I need it.” In the Bible story of the Prodigal Son, the father puts aside his own ego, his own hurts, and his own pride and runs to greet his wayward son with unconditional love—beautiful no matter what your belief system. I needed some unconditional love.
I also realized that I still cared for people in a pastoral way even though I felt so broken and wounded. I was a wounded shepherd who still cared for wounded people. I was still concerned for people and their spiritual journeys towards wholeness. Maybe a prodigal pastor is similar to a wounded healer.
This brings me to my final thought (for now) about this “prodigal pastor” description. Perhaps a prodigal pastor identifies with prodigal people in need of a Prodigal God. A prodigal pastor has come to believe in an extravagant God of love and practices extravagant love—Love God. Love your neighbor. Love your enemy. Extravagant love is the main practice, not the right answer for every question. Even though I find myself with doubts and questions, as I have reread the Bible I realize that virtually every person in the Bible had doubts and questions, even Jesus. Doubts, questions, and disbelief are an important part of the spiritual journey. A prodigal pastor, in my mind, is on a spiritual adventure with other travelers, and is one who displays extravagant love towards oneself, others, and something greater.
As I have continued to connect with people I have listened to people from all walks of life and spirituality. I’ve listened to drunks and addicts and prostitutes and atheists and rabbis and pantheists and Buddhists and doctors and prisoners and homeless and LGBTQ peoples. I’ve realized that everybody is spiritual and I have been inspired by every type of person as they wrestle with the deep questions of life. I have found courage and hope in the strangest of places. So while I am less certain about many things, I am still radically committed to extravagant love. I like this idea: I am a prodigal pastor who loves prodigal people and I seek to love and serve a Prodigal God.
Shalom
©realfredherron, 2023
