Mindfulness Meditation: Self-Compassion & RAIN Meditation (Part 6 of 6)
Listen: “Moon” by Little People
A friend went on a six-day meditation retreat and experienced a gamut of human emotions including some intense feelings of anger, shame, fear, and anxiety. After the retreat was over, she reported her experience to the facilitator of the retreat: “You told me I would feel better.” With a chuckle, the facilitator said: “It sounds like you are feeling your feelings better instead of numbing or avoiding them.”
Processing difficult feelings is one of the reasons I was drawn to mindfulness meditation. Its been therapeutic for me. Most of us spend our lives bulldozing over our emotions, regretting the past and fearing the future, while staying extremely busy.
A hospice chaplain who spent hundreds of hours of listening to those who were dying found that one of the biggest regrets of people facing the end of their life was: “I didn’t live true to myself.” Mindfulness meditation encourages a deeper experience of awareness in the present moment while awakening to our authentic self.
When we encounter unpleasant and painful experiences, our survival brain kicks into gear. The fight, flight, freeze part of our brain is called the amygdala. Daniel Goleman coined the term “amygdala hijack” to describe an emotional response that is immediate, overwhelming, and out of measure with the actual stimulus because it has triggered a much more significant emotional threat. The amygdala hijacks our rational brain and can lead us into irrational responses to negative experiences.
When the amygdala takes over, we feel small, cut off, and stuck in negative thoughts and feelings. Our brain can fixate on thoughts and feelings which function like a trance of fear and unworthiness. The practice of RAIN meditation and self-compassion offers a healthy way to process negative emotions according to the best studies in the field of neuroscience. (See Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive by Marc Brackett.)
Instead of fighting, numbing, avoiding, or suppressing our negative feelings which always backfires, we can practice RAIN meditation. RAIN is an an acronym for a four-step process which can be practiced at home, at work, or in the car.
Recognize. When you feel the first arrow of a painful or unpleasant experience, hit pause. Name the experience, the thoughts, and the feelings which the moment stirs up. Naming the feeling is a crucial step in awareness.
Allow. What we resist persists. Most people resist by saying “no” to reality, pushing back against it. We want to ignore it, numb it, change it, or defeat it. Our amygdala is trying to help us survive but usually over-reacts and catches us in a trance of fear and unworthiness. Allowing our emotions and thoughts to flow with awareness, openness, curiosity, and non-judgment takes practice. Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Regular practice of RAIN meditation helps expand the space between stimulus and response. In affect, we are saying “yes” to reality.
Investigate. If we investigate with curiosity, openness, and non-judgment, we will learn to engage our wise brain with probing questions. Asking ourselves questions helps engage our wise, thinking self, instead of our reactionary self. What am I believing about myself, the situation, or the person? Is this true? How does it feel in my body? Our amygdala generates a bunch of fake news!
Nurture. As we reflect on questions during our investigation, we are contacting our vulnerability. We may feel anger, betrayal, abandonment, confusion, or hurt, and our inner critic often goes into action condemning and blaming ourselves. Instead, we want to nurture ourselves with love and self-compassion. Ask yourself, “what do I need?” Use your imagination and think of yourself as a therapist to yourself. Love and compassion are active responses, not passive. Practice giving yourself words of affirmation: “I’m here for you. You are loved. It’s not your fault. I hear your fear. You have the skill to navigate these experiences.” Give yourself nurturing touch like a hug or place your hand over your heart. Make a face that matches your feelings and hold your emotions with kindness.
This practice is simple, but powerful. You can take 5 or 10 minutes to hit pause and practice RAIN during the day. Daily meditation practice is like exercise for our brain. You can also practice RAIN with a partner where each person takes equal amounts of time to work through the steps. May your meditation practice increase your self-compassion in the days ahead.
Shalom
©realfredherron, 2024
