Who am I? Where am I going?

Listen: “When It Don’t Come Easy” by Patty Griffin

I have been in a five-year process of…well, I’m not even sure how to describe it, maybe: (1) Meltdown—Darkness—Survival—Reorientation; (2) Collapse—Disassemble—Reassemble; (3) Addiction—Loss—Recovery; (4) Disillusionment—Deconstruction—Reconstruction; or (5) Simplicity—Complexity—Perplexity—Harmony, if I look at my whole life and use Brian McLaren’s stages of faith described in his book Faith after Doubt. All these compound modifiers describe distinct aspects of my life experiences over the last five years. 

This blog is an attempt to describe the process through which I continue to grow, evolve, explore, and connect with others through community. There are four communities which I have come to value over the course of my recovery which may help explain who I am becoming and how I am showing up in the world to do ministry and service. With each of these communities, my foundational core values are honesty, vulnerability, and humility.

Recovery Community. This community saved my life. In 2019, due to my two-and-a-half-year addiction to prescription Xanax and alcohol and the resulting infidelity, I lost my church community, my pastoral career, my marriage, my home, my finances, and my faith felt shattered. I was humiliated publicly and wanted to die or disappear from the planet.

In September of 2019, I decided to try the recovery community. I attended over ninety meetings in ninety days, found a sponsor, started working the twelve steps with my sponsor, and started making amends to the thousands of people whom I had pastored (starting with those who were closest to me). The recovery community has been my church, my saving grace. They welcomed me, forgave me, loved me, and believed in me at the lowest, darkest point of my life. They provided a safe place for me to question everything, including my concepts of God, and demonstrated lovingkindness every step of the way.

Today, I continue to go to meetings, lead meetings, and do twelve step work with people who reach out. Because I have been open and vulnerable about my own journey of recovery and because I pastored thousands of people over the course of thirty years, I have people who reach out to me who are struggling with addiction, depression, doubts, and uncertainty most weeks of my life. (I am grateful to the people who financially support Spirituality Adventures so that I have the flexibility to do this work.)

Meditation Community. In the rehab I attended in 2018, I was introduced to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). DBT focuses on four skills which enhance healing and recovery from trauma: mindfulness, emotional regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and distress tolerance. I had never practiced mindfulness meditation, but as I learned more about the science of mindfulness, I knew it was a practice which I needed to incorporate into my recovery. Mindfulness meditation comes from ancient traditions like Buddhism but is practiced today by people of all faith traditions and people with no faith tradition. The benefits of the practice are not contingent upon converting to Buddhism or some other faith tradition (like the benefits of yoga or the Twelve Step program which focuses on a Higher Power without regard to a particular faith tradition).

I started attending a meditation group led by Pam Hausner in 2021, and I have benefited from the practice. Due to Pam’s influence, I started a two-year intensive training with Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield (Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program or MMTCP). In 2023, I started facilitating in-person classes for people who want to practice yoga and meditation together. My goal is to offer 4–6-week classes once a quarter in the future. I may experiment with some online classes as well. I have had over fifty people attend meditation classes with me so far.

I am also participating in a Christian contemplative meditation group which is influenced by Richard Rohr. The ancient Christian contemplative/meditation tradition has much in common with the mindfulness meditation tradition, and I hope to offer some classes from this tradition in the future.

Deconstruction Community. As I have wrestled with questions, doubts, and disbelief about my own faith tradition (which has been a lifelong process for me, starting with my ordination as a Southern Baptist pastor, then moving to the more progressive evangelical Vineyard movement, and now the more progressive Christian Church Disciples of Christ denomination), I have found hope in healing communities outside the church. I have encountered thousands of people who have been hurt by the church and done a hard exit on the church. I have also met people who have never attended church and have no desire to start attending church for a multitude of reasons—reasons to which I can readily relate.

As I reflect on my previous years of ministry, I realize there is some continuity with my current heart for the deconstruction community. I started Vineyard Church in 1990 in Kansas City, Missouri to reach people outside the church. I was not trying to reshuffle the church deck which is what happens in most church plants in America. I tried a non-traditional style of rock and roll church, and we did reach thousands of people outside the church over the course of my thirty-year tenure. However, I had never gone through church hurt and religious trauma myself. I didn’t empathize with how traumatizing the church could be towards people.

Now I understand firsthand, plus I have heard thousands of stories of church hurt and religious trauma as I have participated in the recovery and meditation communities. (Sangas, temples, and mosques can hurt people too. I reference the church because most of my experience is with the church.) When the church is the abuser (for example, child molestation, discrimination, bigotry, homophobia, judgment, legalism, dogma, or abusive leaders), why would we think people would want to run back to their abuser for healing? People seek out safe people and communities in which to heal from their abusers.

I see it so clearly now. Previously, I just thought we needed better, kinder, more gracious churches (like the vision I had for the church I founded), but once I saw the church through the eyes of those abused by the church (sat with and listened to thousands of stories), I saw the need for healing communities outside the church. I needed it myself. That is not to say that people will not eventually make their way back to healthier, more loving versions of the church (or a sanga, temple, mosque). I have seen people come into AA as anti-Christians or anti-God atheists, and then years later find their way back into a church or find church for the first time (or sanga, temple, mosque). But for those who have experienced religious trauma from the church, they need safe, healing communities of honesty, vulnerability, and humility outside the church. The same would be true for people who have experienced hurt and trauma in their families of origin.

Because of what I have experienced, I feel deeply connected with people who have lost their faith or deconstructed their faith. I like to say that questions, doubts, and disbelief are a part of the faith journey. Most of the characters in the Bible experienced questions, doubts, and disbelief about their faith, including Jesus. I love connecting with those who are deconstructing their faith through communities outside of church whether it be a recovery group, a meditation group, a writer’s group (like KC Writer’s Workshop led by Francis Story) or an artistic, change makers group (like the Turn Community led by Samir Selmanovic). Two books I highly recommend from the Christian tradition for those on this journey are God After Deconstruction by Thomas Jay Oord and Tripp Fuller and Faith after Doubt by Brian McLaren.

Church Community. I started pastoring a church again in January of 2023 (part-time) after a four year “sabbatical” from pastoral ministry. I think this move has been confusing for two distinct groups of people: former people I pastored who attended Vineyard Church and newer people with whom I have connected in communities outside the church since 2019.

First, for my former church members, I have realized that many people hoped I would either return to Vineyard Church or else start a new church which was basically like Vineyard Church. Thousands of people loved my thirty-year ministry at Vineyard Church (and I loved it and them too!).

Second, for newer people who met me in recovery or meditation groups outside the church since 2019, I have realized that people were surprised that I returned to the church since I had deeply questioned everything I had ever believed.

Even though in my darkest moments I deeply questioned everything I had ever believed, including the existence of God, I still held onto a belief in a God of uncontrolling love (Open/Relational/Process theology), a love for Jesus, and a firm belief in the value of loving, safe communities in which people can heal, grow, and serve our world. (Yes, I still believe churches can do this as well as communities outside the church.)

I also wanted to pastor a church which was fully affirming of the LGBTQ+ community. For my thirty-year tenure at Vineyard Church, we always had people from the LGBTQ+ community participating and serving at Vineyard Church. We were welcoming, but not fully affirming. (In the Vineyard movement, a church could not ordain a gay person or do a gay wedding.) My views changed over the years as I pastored and loved people in my church who were in the LGBTQ+ community. I revisited the six “clobber” passages in the Bible, and I concluded that these passages were not talking about sexual orientation or whom you love. (See Colby Martin’s book UnClobber: Rethinking Our Misuse of the Bible on Homosexuality for an excellent resource.

When I started pastoring again, I wrote a brief description of our church’s values which is on our church website (livingwaterchristian.org which I now serve in full standing with the Christian Church Disciples of Christ). Here is the statement which I crafted for our church website which reflect my own desires and commitments:

We are a community of people who seek to discover, receive, and disseminate the extravagant grace and love of God. We find in the person of Jesus a beautiful incarnation of the grace and love of God, and we seek to embody the life of Jesus by following his example and living by his teachings. As followers of Jesus, we desire to:

-Love God, love our neighbors, love ourselves, and even love our enemies which always involves the grace of forgiveness

-Welcome everyone by practicing hospitality and inclusion for all people regardless of personal history, race, religion, sexual orientation, disability, or ethnicity

-Practice authenticity by embracing vulnerability and humility about our humanity, our weaknesses, and our true self

-Provide a community of love for prodigals and misfits who have honest struggles with questions, doubts, and disbelief on our journey of faith

-Value all faith traditions and perspectives in order to learn from all people of faith

-Integrate our faith and theology with insights gained from the fields of science including evolution, neuroscience, mental health, and psychology

-Serve others in all realms of life according to our gifts, talents, and skills

-Practice social justice on behalf of the poor, the planet, the marginalized, and the oppressed

We hope you will join us on this adventure of faith.

Activism. When I pastored Vineyard Church, I took seriously the teachings of Jesus around social justice issues which are rooted in the prophetic tradition of the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament for Christians; Deuteronomy 10:17-19). In Matthew 25, Jesus calls people to work for justice for the marginalized, vulnerable, and oppressed in every society [the least of these who are hungry, thirsty, strangers (immigrants and refugees), naked, sick, prisoners, orphans, and widows]. Jesus himself demonstrated the importance of building loving community with sinners, tax collectors, prostitutes, and outcasts. He was a friend of “sinners.”

As our resources grew at Vineyard Church, I developed social justice ministries to serve our city and world in the following ways: one the largest food distributors in Kansas City, domestic violence ministries, refugee/immigrant ministries, racial justice partnerships with black/latino churches and MLK events, prison ministries, teen shelters, transitional housing partnerships, recovery ministries, Palestinian ministries, church planting ministries, and orphan work in Ethiopia and Ecuador to name a few.

As I continue to rebuild my life and ministry through these four communities, I will seek for ways to make impact in Kansas City and beyond with partnerships for social justice. For example, one of my board members, Rod Colburn, is putting together a Roof Top Alliance for change makers and people who “give a damn,” to borrow a phrase from my friend Nick Laparra who is the founder of “Let’s Give a Damn.”

Support. The blogs, podcasts, meditation events, MLK events, and the pastoral care and counseling I provide to hundreds of people is a labor of love. I am so grateful for the handful of people who support Spirituality Adventures financially, but I have a shrinking number of monthly financial supporters mostly due to my alliance with the LGBTQ+ community. Studies conducted on social media content providers like me reveal that only 0.05% of followers contribute financially to support the content which they consume.

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Thanks for reading, following, and supporting!

Fred Herron

 ©realfredherron, 2024