Learning to Listen
Listen: “Learn to Listen” by Ramones
How do we make the world a better place? Our world is on fire. People are divided. Nations war against nations. Fellow citizens fight against fellow citizens. Religions clash against religions. Races discriminate against races. Companies battle against companies. Families feud against families. Spouses rage against spouses. Friends betray friends. Children insult children.
It’s true. It’s not new. However, we have 24/7 news cycles and 24/7 social media feeds on our cell phones 24/7. That is new in the last decade. Social media feeds employ algorithms which enhance and promote conflict, divisiveness, and hostile speech. (See “The Social Dilemma” documentary, 2020.) So now we have an addictive device attached to our bodies 24/7 which encourages us to hate something or someone. Think about it.
So how do we become purveyors of love instead of disseminators of hate? There was a Jewish Rabbi in the 1st century CE who taught the importance of loving God, loving ourselves, and loving our neighbor. He also taught that if we are ever to stop the cycle of unforgiveness, hatred, and revenge, we must also learn to love our enemies—those are the people who have hurt us or with whom we disagree. They are the people who don’t look like us, act like us, or believe like us—The Other. This 1st century Rabbi said: “Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand” (Matthew 11:15). But most people don’t listen. They talk louder. They talk faster. They talk with more conviction. They scream. But they don’t listen.
Listening is the first and most important step to understanding, to building bridges, to loving, and to making the world a better place—more love, less hate. Most people never talk to or relate to The Other. Most people hive themselves off from The Other. They make no attempt to listen or understand.
I have several reasons for doing podcast interviews on Spirituality Adventures. One of the most important reasons is to curate a non-judgmental place to explore spirituality through listening to the stories of people by asking good questions. I have five basic categories of questions which I like to ask people. Sometimes I don’t ask all five, but these five questions are foundational to understanding people and what makes them who they are. I would encourage you to use these questions with anyone you meet. I would encourage you to reach out to someone who is very different from you and listen to the answers they give to these questions. You just might learn something new. You might gain some understanding, and you might even make a new friend in the process. Here are the five simple questions:
Where were you born and where did you grow up? It’s such a basic question, but it tells you important information about a person. A person growing up in England, Ethiopia, Ecuador, New York, Alabama, or Missouri will have totally different perspectives on the world based on where they grew up. Did they grow up in a small town or a thriving metropolitan city? On a farm, in a suburban neighborhood, or in an urban center? These foundational experiences shape us.
What characteristics describe your family while you were growing up? Were you rich, poor, or middle class? Did you have two parents? Gay parents? Mixed parents? Were you raised by a single parent? How many siblings? Were you the oldest or the youngest? Was your family environment strict or permissive? Was there physical or emotional abuse in the home? Was your family a part of the majority culture in your neighborhood? Did you grow up as a minority in your neighborhood or school? Were you a third culture kid?
What is your faith background? This is probably my favorite question because I’ve been a pastor for so many years and love to talk to people about their spiritual journeys. Did you grow up going to a church, synagogue, mosque, or temple. Was faith an important part of your family experience? Did you grow up in an agnostic or atheist home? Was religion forced on you as a child or were you allowed to make your own decision regarding faith? Have you ever had doubts or questions regarding faith? Did you reject the faith of your parents or ever deconstruct your own beliefs?
What are your deepest hurts, pains, or disappointments? This is one of the most important questions you can ask anyone. Obviously, you need to exercise sensitivity regarding the context and timing of this question. How you process your hurts and pains is even more important. Shame, betrayal, divorce, abuse, addiction, illness, injury, and accidents can alter the course of your life. Hurts and pains can define you, but you can also write a brave new ending to the story.
What are your greatest loves and passions? These are the people, places, things, and purposes for which you sing, stay up late, work long hours, study, network, talk incessantly, dream, write, teach, spend resources, and build legacies. It may be your lover, your kids, or your grandkids. It may be your dog or cat. It might be your vocation or your hobby. It might be a social justice cause like combating racism or the eradication of a disease like cancer. People love to talk about what or whom they love. Ask the question and listen closely. You can learn something from everyone. I promise.
These are simple questions, but they are profoundly important. If you learn to listen and understand, you can make friends with enemies. You can make the world a better place. As my friend, Steve Sjogren, has said so often: “Small things done with great love can change the world.” He was talking about acts of kindness. Listening to someone is a small act of kindness that can change the world. Try it! Tune in to my podcast—Spirituality Adventures. Every week I interview a new guest using several of these questions. Let’s learn to listen!
Shalom
©realfredherron, 2022
