Gratitude Redux
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“Our brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones,” according to psychologist Rick Hanson (Hardwiring Happiness). I have to consciously strive to focus on what is beautiful, lovely, and gracious, lest I fall into the toxic trap of negativity, pessimism, and self-pity. It is truly a struggle at times, even though I usually fall in the “cautiously optimistic” emotional state.
Ironically, the holiday seasons of Thanksgiving, Advent, Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa are difficult for many people. As a pastor for decades, I was always gearing up for Thanksgiving, Advent, and Christmas. Christmas and Easter were like the World Cup and the Supper Bowl for church life in America. It was a time of celebration, reflection, worship, gratitude, and joy, both in my church life and family life. After years of pastoring through the holidays, I became aware of the large numbers of people who were silently suffering during the holiday seasons. People who had gone through significant losses in life and for whom the holidays brought on a deep sense of sorrow and loss (combined with the long days of winter darkness), sometimes called “Seasonal Affective Disorder.” I can certainly relate to this experience over the last four years of my own life.
I know I am not alone. I am thinking of people who have lost their parents, lost a sibling, lost a friend, lost a loved one, lost a spouse, or even lost a child. I am thinking of people who have experienced addiction, crushing broken dreams, or whose lives have been suddenly altered by unexpected illnesses, accidents, or disasters. I am thinking of people who have suffered trauma and abuse. I am thinking of people who feel alone because they still haven’t found a partner to love unconditionally. And holidays can be exceptionally difficult for those who grieve—grieving always seems to last longer than it should. Why can’t we just “snap out of it” as Cher so iconically shouted in the movie Moonstruck?
From brain science, to psychology, to recovery work, we learn that nurturing gratitude is a vital spiritual practice. So how do you just layer over these deep emotional losses with a gratitude list? I have heard Brené Brown and other psychologists talk about the danger of “toxic positivity.” Mark Manson said, “Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires. The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame” (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life). Toxic positivity can be defined as “the excessive and ineffective over generalization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience” (“Toxic Positivity: The Dark Side of Positive Vibes,” by Samara Quintero and Jamie Long; thepsychologygroup.com).
Despite this warning, the human brain is wired to get stuck in the opposite direction—toxic negativity. Perhaps we are best served to keep a creative tension between the two extremes. “Life, as the biblical tradition makes clear, is both loss and renewal, death and resurrection, chaos and healing at the same time; life seems to be a collision of opposites” (Falling Upward by Richard Rohr, p. 54).
Studies done by psychologist Rick Hanson and verified by neuroscientists like David Eagleman show that we must consciously hold on to a positive thought or feeling for a minimum of fifteen seconds for it register in our neurons. Gratitude needs to be cultivated even in hardship. So here’s my gratitude list for 2022 about which I have contemplated with deeply.
I am grateful for:
My family: fun, loving, and grace-filled who have walked with me through dark days
My friends: you find out who your true friends are when you screw up and lose everything
In-person group friends: they provide support, wisdom, and insight every time we meet
Recovery friends: an amazing group of human beings who are wounded healers
Beauty of nature: I find renewal by moving my body in outdoor spaces
Health: so grateful in can still walk and ride my bike
Support team: people who have encouraged me, followed me, and financially supported me through spiritualityadventures.com
Jesus: the wisdom and beauty of his life and teachings
Faith: though shattered and broken, it finds beauty in the brokenness
Hope: for the redemption of all things
Love: in all its shapes and forms, love wins
Shalom
©realfredherron, 2022
