Why Honesty?
Listen: “Brave” by Sara Bareilles
In the opening pages of William Manchester’s masterful biography of Winston Churchill, The Last Lion, Manchester reports a legendary exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor. Lady Astor criticized the former Prime Minister for being intoxicated while he was working: “Winston, you are disgustingly drunk!” To which Churchill replied: “And my dear, you are ugly. And in the morning, I will be sober.”
Honesty, it seems, is more nuanced than we might think. Do we share our true thoughts with someone, even though it might hurt them? Is it appropriate to keep a secret? Do you want to do business or relationships with someone that is consistently dishonest? Is it possible to be dishonest with yourself? How can we live authentically brave and vulnerable lives with others?
When I was attending elementary school in Prairie Village, Kansas, I would walk to Prairie Elementary School. Lunches were 45 cents and my mom would usually give me the exact change. One morning my mom gave me two quarters for lunch and specifically told me not to spend the nickel on my way home from school. My mom knew that there was a Ben Franklin store (like a CVS) on the way home, and it was full of candy. This was the 1960’s when you could get a bunch of candy and a good sugar rush for five cents. Well, sure enough, on the way home my friend decided he wanted to go to the Ben Franklin store. I decided to go into the store with him and just look at the candy. As soon as I saw the candy, I spent the nickel. I ate all the candy on the way home and hoped my mom wouldn’t remember the nickel.
Upon arriving home, my mom remembered to ask me for the nickel. I told her I lost the nickel. That evening, when my dad was tucking me in for bed and saying some evening prayers, he asked me if I spent the nickel. “No, dad, I didn’t spend the nickel. I lost it.” Dad said okay and left the room. I laid there with my own conscience beating me up for lying. I finally cried out for dad to return, and in a tearful confession, I admitted to spending the nickel.
In my teenage years, I can’t say that I was always honest. Sometimes I just worked hard at not getting caught. I did plenty of things for which I didn’t want to get caught. In fact, not getting caught was even a part of the thrill.
However, when I came to follow Jesus at sixteen, honesty became an important trait. I strove to be appropriately honest in all my dealings with people—in work, in relationships, and in fun. Honesty became a way of life. I even practiced honesty with myself by creating personal accountability with counselors and close friends.
Unfortunately, there came a time in my life when prescription Xanax and alcohol began to erode my honesty with myself and those closest to me. I wasn’t straight up lying, just conveniently not telling the truth. This gradual slip into hiding my true self ultimately cost me dearly. I am still living with the consequences and losses from those ill-fated decisions. (See my blogs and videos from 2020.)
So how do we practice honesty in a healthy way? Here are a few thoughts for consideration:
Under promise and over deliver. This is a practice that works well in business and relationships. It revolves around honesty and integrity. You do what you say. Your word is good. If you say you will do it, you do everything in your power to do it, even if it hurts (Psalm 15:4). No one will ever be able to keep all their promises, but even when we can’t deliver we let people know. We always try to be mindful of what we actually can and can’t do. Too many false promises add up over time to an untrustworthy character. It’s easier to build trust than to rebuild broken trust.
Speak the truth in love. This is straight out of the Bible (Ephesians 4:15). Love must be our guide. Sometimes people are just cruel and unkind with their speech. Under the banner of truth, we speak with sarcasm and hostility and resentment and cruelty. Instead of speaking words of life, we speak words that bring death by a thousands cuts. According to Proverbs, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Workplaces and families can be the breeding ground for grace-filled words of affirmation or death-filled words of insult.
Secrets are generally unhealthy. If you have experienced abuse or trauma as a child, you need to confide in a therapist or counselor for the process of healing. If you are wrestling with an addictive behavior or substance, you need to share with a doctor, therapists, or trusted friend. Honesty is the first step towards healing. The fear is that people would reject us if they truly knew us. On the other side, if someone comes to you with a confession, you need to maintain their confidence except for rare exceptions (like the abuse of a child or life threatening suicidal/homicidal ideation, to name a few). All forms of gossip, slander, and half-truths are forms of testifying falsely against your neighbor (as in the Ninth Commandment; Exodus 20:16) and constitute lying and dishonesty. Even listening to gossip can be a form of dishonest behavior: “Wrongdoers eagerly listen to gossip; liars pay close attention to slander” (Proverbs 17:4; NLT).
Make a personal moral inventory and share it with a trusted friend, sponsor, or counselor. This is one of the best ways to maintain honesty with yourself. The human brain is so crafty at telling itself stories full of excuses and rationalizations for bad behavior. This is where brutal honesty comes into play. The AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) book states that people who are “constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves” are the people who fail at sobriety. This could be said of most human endeavors. Personal accountability is also a key to emotional and spiritual health and healing. The New Testament says: “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed” (James 5:16; NAS). Confession is good for the soul and good for the virtue of honesty.
Honesty is crucial to spirituality. It forms the foundation through which we connect with ourselves, others, and our higher power in loving and authentic ways. Without it, we feel lost—disconnected from ourselves, others, and God. Honesty breeds appropriate vulnerability, which is truly—brave!
Shalom
©realfredherron, 2021
