Waves Of Emotion
Listen: “Serotonin” by Girl in Red
As I was watching the Chiefs AFC Championship game against the Baltimore Ravens on January 28, 2024, I experienced waves of emotions. I had a hard time sitting down. I was jumping out of my seat, at times yelling at the TV and pacing in the living room. In the three hours of viewing the game, my emotions went from the heights of joy and excitement to the depths of discouragement and frustration. All those emotions for a game that has little bearing on the day-to-day realities of my life.
Sunday, February 11, 2024, I watched Super Bowl LVIII as the Chiefs played the 49ers. I got so frustrated I turned off the game during the second half, but I was recording it. When the normal time length of the game ended, I didn’t hear any fireworks go off, so I assumed we lost. Then, well beyond the end of the normal game period, I heard fireworks going off in my neighborhood—I immediately thought: “We won in overtime!” So, I went back and watched the game knowing the outcome. It was glorious! I’ve been a Chiefs fan since we won Super Bowl IV.
The following Wednesday, February 14, I was watching the Chiefs parade from the comfort and safety of my own home. It was a proud moment for Kansas City, and I was soaking in the joy while I was preparing for my Ash Wednesday service amidst the Chiefs celebration, Valentine’s Day, and Ash Wednesday.
Then, shots rang out. Chaos ensued. People started grabbing their kids and running for safety. KC police went into action. What started as a proud, showcase moment for Kansas City ended in trauma for many. The investigation is ongoing, and facts are coming in slowly, but, at the time of this writing, one person was killed, 22 others were injured, and two juveniles have been charged.
One of my close relatives was friends with the person who was killed (a DJ on a local radio station), and another friend had a nephew who was shot in the buttocks. This was a family event. Schools and businesses closed for the parade with an estimated 800,000 in attendance. In a matter of minutes, Kansas City went from the heights of collective joy and solidarity to the depths of collective trauma.
What are the healthiest ways of living with our emotions? All of us have experienced the roller coaster of emotions which we call life, and what CBS Wide World of Sports tagged years ago—The Thrill of Victory and the Agony of Defeat.
Let’s set aside the social critique of gun violence in America and focus on living with our emotions in healthy ways. (Btw, I am in agreement with over 60% of Americans who want sensible gun control in America, and Missouri gun laws are abysmal. As a follower of Jesus, I have always tried to live by the Sermon on the Mount and take non-violence seriously.)
The importance of emotional intelligence. In 1995, Daniel Goleman published the bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence (EI), which highlighted the importance of EI in leadership performance. EI is a better indicator of leadership success than IQ. Goleman defined EI as a set of skills and characteristics that drive leadership performance: self-awareness, self-management, social-awareness, and relational management.
I was a big proponent of applying and teaching the insights of EI to my pastoral team at Vineyard Church in Kansas City, MO which I founded and pastored from 1990 to 2019. The problem that developed for me personally was that I tried to manage my personal emotions (particularly emotions which I considered negative like fear, anger, anxiety, and sexual energy) with some unhealthy strategies.
Unfortunately, as a young student of the Bible, I interpreted the Apostle Paul’s admonition in Galatians 5:16-23 as a prescription for managing my emotions. Paul talked about a battle between the flesh and the spirit. (It certainly feels like a battle at times, but we need healthy strategies for managing our emotions.) I wanted the fruit of the spirit which Paul described as things like love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, and kindness. So, I tried to battle, suppress, avoid, and conquer my negative emotions in order to experience the fruit of the spirit.
The pathway to healthy emotional regulation. The problem is that battling and suppressing negative emotions does not work. A classic analogy: It’s like trying to push a big beach ball under the water and hold it under water indefinitely. It eventually pops up out of the water. Neuroscience and psychological insights have shown that “What We Resist Persists.”
Resisting negative emotions actually backfires and gives them more power and energy. A better, healthier technique was introduced by meditation teacher Michele McDonald about 25 years ago called RAIN Meditation. (Also see, Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN by Tara Brach.) The meditation practice of RAIN is a healthy way to process negative emotions.
R—Recognize what is happening. Research has shown that just taking time to pause, identify, and name an emotion is the first step for down regulating our sympathetic nervous system. (See Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett.)
A—Allow it. Whatever the emotion is, allow it. Receive it as a guest. “Hello fear and anxiety, my old traveling companions, how are you today?”
I—Investigate with a gentle, curious attention. As you investigate your emotions, don’t judge or be critical of your emotions, even if you don’t like it. Try to investigate the emotion with openness, curiosity, and non-judgment.
N—Nuture with kind presence. By practicing RAIN meditation, we can begin to observe our emotions without identifying with them and getting caught in them. Emotions will rise and fall like waves in the ocean.
This is also a practice which can begin a healing process for our individual and collective trauma. I wish you peace and lovingkindness on your journey towards well-being and wholeness.
Shalom
©realfredherron, 2024
