Self-Forgiveness
Listen: “Forgive Yourself” by Patrick Droney
One of the most challenging lines in The Lord’s Prayer is: “Forgive us our trespasses (debts/sins), as we forgive those who trespass against us” (Matthew 6:12). This prayer focuses on one of the most powerful ways to heal ourselves, others, and the world—the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness moves in at least three directions: (1) forgiveness for ourselves; (2) forgiveness for others and the world for causing harm; and (3) making amends towards those whom we have harmed.
All three of these movements of forgiveness are uniquely challenging, but I have come to realize through my counseling of others and my personal experience that self-forgiveness can be the most challenging for many people. The human spirit is not built to carry the weight of resentment, bitterness, hatred, and revenge. These human emotions and experiences are frequent traveling partners, but our capacity for joy in life is directly related to our capacity to forgive.
Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? There are many reasons, but I will list four of the more frequent struggles I have heard from people.
Some people who have a Christian background have heard that there is an unpardonable sin. In fact, this idea comes from a statement that Jesus himself made: “I tell you the truth, all sin and blasphemy can be forgiven, but anyone who blasphemes the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven” (Mark 3:29; NLT). The problem is that Jesus never spells out what blaspheming the Holy Spirit is. In the immediate context of the passage, some of the religious leaders were accusing Jesus of being possessed by a demon. The religious leaders said that Jesus healed and delivered people by the power of demons. They attributed the compassionate work of healing which Jesus did to an evil spirit because they rejected his message and ministry. According to the religious leaders, his ministry could not come from God.
It’s a first century argument that sounds a little weird to a twenty-first century audience. It’s similar to seeing true goodness and calling it evil. If you call acts of healing, love, beauty, creativity, and forgiveness evil, then it makes it hard to give and receive these good gifts. If we reject the forgiveness that is freely offered and available for us, then perhaps this is the unpardonable sin—rejecting love and forgiveness. We must accept and receive good gifts of love and forgiveness to appropriate them for ourselves and others.
This lines up with the rest of the stories in the Bible. Most of the well-known people in the Bible were very flawed individuals who received forgiveness from God. Abraham involved his wife in a deceptive lie. Moses murdered a man. David committed adultery with Bathsheba and was an accomplice to a plot to kill Bathsheba’s husband. Peter betrayed Jesus three times. Saul (whose name became Paul) persecuted Christians before he wrote most of the New Testament letters. Forgiveness is a gift that flows from the heart of God. There is no unpardonable sin unless we refuse to receive the forgiveness which is available.
Victims of abuse often blame themselves for the abuse. While I pastored Vineyard Church in Kansas City, Missouri, I helped organize a ministry called “Hope Ministries.” It was a ministry which focused on supporting women who were trapped in domestic violence and abusive relationships. It’s a strange psychology for people to understand who have not suffered abuse—children and adults who are victims of abuse often blame themselves. Victims of abuse often think there is something wrong with themselves instead of their abuser.
It’s a double arrow. The first arrow is the abuse. The second arrow is the blame. And many victims blame themselves. Thoughts run wild in the victim's head: “If only I wouldn’t have done this, said that, or felt a particular way, then my abuser wouldn’t have abused me.” This type of self-blame connected to victimization usually requires therapy for emotional healing so don’t hesitate to find a good therapist.
Some people feel like they are giving themselves a “get-out-of-jail-free” card. There’s an old SNL skit in which the actor says: “I decided to forgive myself today, and then I told myself to do whatever I want.” Some people think if they forgive themselves, then they will give themselves a license to become a worse version of themselves. They won’t have any restraint on their most destructive appetites. But love, forgiveness, and mercy flow together. Receiving love, forgiveness, and mercy frees one to walk in love, forgiveness, and mercy. You get released from the jail of bitterness and unforgiveness, and you are set free to love and serve.
Some people believe they need to punish themselves in order to improve their behavior in the future. If we punish ourselves enough, then maybe we’ll do better down the road. So, if we put ourselves in a timeout or some other form of self-punishment, then we can eventually move forward. This is the psychology of penance, which is different than making amends (which I will address in a future blog).
A movie came out in 1986 called The Mission which received seven nominations including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Music, and Best Cinematography. It tells the true story of Jesuit priests who traveled to Paraguay in the 1700’s to convert indigenous peoples to Christianity. In one of the most moving scenes in the movie, a former slave trader named Mendoza played by Robert De Niro experiences repentance for his murderous and slave trading behaviors through the influence of Bishop Gabriel played by Jeremy Irons. In the scene, Mendoza wraps all his former armor and weapons that he used to murder and enslave into a big bundle and climbs up a mountain with the bundle on his back. He was doing penance—punishing himself for his sins. Bishop Gabriel cuts the load from him in an effort to symbolize his forgiveness, but Mendoza ties it back on his back. Once Mendoza gets to the top of the mountain trail, a group of indigenous people see the act of penance and cut the bundle loose from Mendoza.
The scene serves as a powerful metaphor for the burden of penance. So often we struggle with a heavy emotional load because we feel we need to punish ourselves to pay for the wrongs we have committed. In the end, receiving forgiveness is the only way to cut away the emotional burden of our own misdeeds.
Forgiveness on tap from God. Notice in Jesus’ model prayer that the prayer of forgiveness is a “we” prayer. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive….” What does this mean? In my darkest days in 2019, I struggled to forgive myself. I would have preferred death instead of the public humiliation I endured. I hated myself. How could I forgive myself? How could I receive God’s forgiveness? I had preached God’s grace and forgiveness in Christ my whole life, but in 2019 I just wanted to die.
Thank God for “we.” We humans thrive best in community, especially loving communities which practice the art of forgiveness and transformation. I would share my deepest failures with my recovery group, my therapists, my true friends, and my sponsor. They modeled forgiveness for me. I was able to forgive myself and receive a sense of God’s forgiveness through the experience of love and forgiveness from others. Forgiveness is a “we” journey. We forgive together. We grow together. We love together.
“The essence of human bravery is refusing to give up on anyone or anything,” according to one wisdom teacher. That takes a lot of forgiveness and “a little help from our friends.” It’s progress, not perfection in the spiritual journey of life. Tara Brach says, “Perfection is not the prerequisite for anything but pain.” Perfection is a brutal task master, but spiritual progress is immersed in the way of love, mercy, and forgiveness.
Shalom
©realfredherron, 2024
