It’s Friday, and Sometimes I Doubt
Listen: “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen (Live in London)
I remember when I was a teenager, and I was having doubts about my faith. My mom had given me a Bible that contained short essays for teenagers. One of the essays was entitled, “Sometimes I Doubt.” If my memory serves my well, it was inserted with the story of doubting Thomas in John 20:24-29. The essay talked about how most of the major characters in the Bible wrestled with faith and doubts, even questioning God’s love or existence at times. Even Jesus!
This was comforting to my teenage self. Maybe, I thought, I am not so different or far off course! In 2019, I found myself in a three-quarter life crisis in which I had lost my marriage, my career, my community, and my faith—at least that’s how I felt. I my darkest days I questioned everything I had ever believed. I was tormented with religious doubt and self-doubt, and I cried out against God—challenging God, questioning God, and questioning myself. While I could certainly see how my own bad choices had played a major role in my crisis, it didn’t seem like God had held up his end of the relationship. After all, I had prayed millions of prayers according to His will “to lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil.” I could not have prayed more or harder or with a more sincere heart than I had prayed for over forty years, and He did not answer.
This brings me back to reflecting on the men and women in the Bible. The faith journey is one that includes doubts and questions, even darkness. There are 150 Psalms in the Hebrew Bible and about one third of them are Psalms of Lament. In these Psalms, there is always a crisis which triggers a complaint about God, about enemies, about circumstances, or about self, or all of them together.
It is fascinating to me that Jesus quotes from one of these Psalms while he is hanging on the cross suffering on Good Friday. Jesus cries out in prayer by quoting Psalm 22:1: “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” The second verse of Psalm 22 says, “Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief” (NLT). In the depth of his agony, Jesus felt abandoned by God and quotes from a Psalm that questions the love and power of God.
Regardless of your faith tradition or lack of faith, faith and doubt intermingle in the human experience. It’s an amazing aspect of the evolved human brain—this human tendency to question and doubt and believe and reflect and tell stories. Why are we here on this planet? What is our purpose? Leonard Cohen was a Canadian singer-songwriter, poet, and novelist. He poignantly expresses religious doubt, relational doubt, and self-doubt in his most famous song “Hallelujah.”
Now I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it please the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor falls, the major lifts
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well, maybe there’s a God above
As for me all I’ve ever learned from love
Is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
But it’s not a crime that you’re hear tonight
It’s not some pilgrim who claims to have seen the light
No, it’s a cold and it’s a very broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
There was a time you let me know
What’s really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And I remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove she was moving too
And every single breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Now I’ve done my best, I know it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I learned to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come here to London just to fool you
And even thought it all went wrong
I’ll stand right here before the Lord of song
With nothing, nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
There is a spiritual ache and hunger associated with this human experience, but in the words of S. M. Lockridge: “It’s Friday, it’s only Friday…but Sunday is coming!”
Shalom
©realfredherron, 2021
