Is Self-Love Narcissistic?
Listen: “Narcissus” by Alanis Morissette
Narcissus was a hunter from Thespiae in Greek mythology who was known for his beauty. He rejected all romantic advances and eventually fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. The character of Narcissus is the origin of the term narcissism, and the quality which defines narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention, and a lack of empathy for others. People with the disorder, according to Mayo Clinic, can:
· Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
· Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
· Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
· Exaggerate achievements and talents
· Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty, or the perfect mate
· Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
· Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
· Take advantage of others to get what they want
· Have an inability to recognize the needs of others
· Be envious of others and believe others envy them
· Suffer from an inability to handle criticism
· Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability, and humiliation
Maybe this list brings someone to mind. It’s not an uncommon personality disorder. So with such a disorder in mind, what does it mean to love yourself in a healthy way? Is that even possible?
One of the ways I have thought about this issue in the past is through a biblical/Jesus worldview. In the Rabbinic tradition, the Torah (first five books of the Hebrew Bible or Old Testament) contains 613 commands. One of the discussion questions among Rabbis in the ancient world was: Which commandments are the most important? Jesus was asked this question by some Rabbis, and his response was not uncommon. Jesus replied, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment [Deuteronomy 6:5]. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself [Leviticus 19:18]. The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commands” (Matthew 22:37-40; NLT). I have always loved Jesus’ answer.
It’s interesting. The Bible never commands us to love ourselves. We are commanded to love God and love our neighbor. Healthy self-love is assumed (that is, the assumption of self-love is the basis for the command to love your neighbor). Jesus put it another way in the Sermon on the Mount: “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and prophets” (Matthew 7:12; NLT).
Most of my life I focused on loving God and loving others. I had enough self-respect to understand and attempt to live by the Golden rule without excessive focus on myself. However, when I went through my public shame and humiliation at the end of 2018, I found myself feeling incredibly hateful towards myself. My inner-critic was on steroids, and I felt shame like I had never felt before. I felt an intense amount of anger towards myself. I felt small. I had an unwanted story, and I felt that I had failed miserably as a husband and a pastor.
So I started thinking about the importance of healthy self-love. Why was I being so harsh on myself when I have always practiced love and grace towards others who have made a mess of their lives? If I gave myself the same amount of love and grace that I always gave others, I would have a great deal of self-compassion for my own self and my own circumstances. I needed to practice the Golden Rule in reverse. I needed to be kind and loving to myself.
I’m not a psychologist, but I think that I can safely say that the art of self-love, self-care, and self-compassion are an important part of emotional, spiritual, and mental health. We can’t love others well if we hate or mistreat ourselves. Healthy love for others flows best from a healthy self-esteem. Many people need to focus on loving themselves in order to love others well. The two work together synergistically.
I like the term self-compassion. According to Allison Abrams (LCSW-R), psychologist Kristin Neff was the first person to measure and define “self-compassion.” Neff describes self-compassion as being kind toward the self, which entails being gentle, supportive, and understanding as opposed to harshly judging oneself for personal shortcomings. Unconditional acceptance of self and our own story, the good and bad parts, is a component of self-compassion (Psychology Today, “How to Cultivate More Self-Compassion,” by Allison Abrams; March 3, 2017).
Research over the last couple of decades has shown that people who have self-compassion also have greater social connectedness, emotional intelligence, happiness, and overall life satisfaction. So how can we practice healthy self-compassion while avoiding the pitfalls of narcissism? Here are a few ideas from Allison Abrams:
1. Treat yourself as you would a small child, a good friend, or a beloved pet.
2. Practice mindfulness or what some would call a state of non-judgmental awareness. Be curious about your own thoughts and feelings with kindness.
3. Remember that you are not alone. Welcome to humanity. (This pastor found out he couldn’t walk on water and that’s okay.)
4. Give yourself permission to be imperfect. Own your story with flaws included. Be brave.
5. Work with a supportive therapist, coach, or sponsor. It’s hard to learn self-compassion on our own. We need to be brutally honest with someone who will practice compassion and kindness towards us. After a while, we can practice it on ourselves.
The art of self-care, self-respect, self-worth, self-acceptance, self-love, and self-compassion is a journey. It’s a spiritual adventure. Thanks for connecting.
Shalom
©realfredherron, 2021
