Healing Hearts through Making Amends

Listen: “Purple Rain” by Prince & The Revolution

It seems like America is losing its soul. We seem to have arrived at a place where our leaders in positions of power and influence have lost their ability to humble themselves, admit when they have done harm to others, and make amends for the harm they have caused. Lies are doubled down on with more lies. Harm to other humans is excused, justified, ignored, or encouraged. Bigotry, racism, sexism, homophobia, hatred, oppression, abuse, violence, cruelty, misogyny, genocide, and unkindness seem to be in vogue. But a brief review of history reminds us that nothing is new under sun (Ecclesiastes 1:9).

As a young follower of Jesus, I sensed a calling to full-time Christian service and attended Baylor University as a part of my preparation for ministry. Prior to attending Baylor, I was influenced by a pastor named Peter Lord who served Park Avenue Baptist Church in Florida for 54 years. Peter encouraged people to keep the main thing the main thing (a nod to Steven Covey) which for Peter was to love God and enjoy him forever. Peter encouraged people to develop a daily practice of prayer and meditation to nurture a loving relationship with God. He developed a practical tool called the “2959 Plan” for daily prayer which sold over 500,000 copies, and he wrote two bestselling books: Hearing God and Turkeys and Eagles.

Due to Peter’s influence, I developed a disciplined practice of early morning devotional time with God which I have maintained throughout most of my life since I was a teenager. One of Peter’s teachings centered on something similar to Step 4, 8, and 9 in the 12 Step program: a searching and fearless moral inventory (Step 4) and making a list of all persons we had harmed and making amends to them all (Step 8 & 9).

I remember going through a list of questions that Peter had designed for a thorough moral inventory, and it got me thinking about my friendships in junior high and high school before I started following Jesus when I was involved in recreational drugs (mostly weed, but I experimented with several). I started feeling like I needed to make amends to my friends with whom I had participated and encouraged to do drugs.

I wasn’t sure how to go about it. Most of my friends were scattered around the country attending college like me. (We were a smart, athletic bunch of drug users!) So, I decided to write a letter of apology and encourage my friends to follow Jesus like I was doing.

I had the best of intentions.

Unfortunately, I mailed over a dozen letters to the home addresses of their parents where they grew up, rather than chase down all the college dorm addresses. I addressed the letters to my friends, not their parents. The potential for unintended consequences never occurred to me.

I heard back from one of my friends. His mother had found the letter in her mailbox while her son was away at college. She didn’t open it, but she told my friend that he had received a letter from me. He told her to open it and read it to him. His mom learned some things about her son that day. Boom!

When I heard this story much later, I was horrified. Now I felt like I needed to make amends for the way I had tried to make amends. Let’s just say: making amends can be tricky.

What are the best ways to go about making amends in a hurt and broken world? With friends, neighbors, co-workers, and even enemies?

All humans have experienced hurt caused by other people and have caused hurt to others. Hurt people hurt people, and we all fall into that category to some degree or another. Making amends is an attempt to repair the hurt we have caused another person.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus talked about the importance of making amends in a 1st Century Jewish context: “So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God” (Matthew 5:23; NLT).

Apologizing. Many times, hurt can occur through misunderstandings, unfulfilled expectations, actions we did or didn’t do, or words we spoke. If you have hurt a friend, partner, co-worker, family member, or neighbor, a simple apology goes a long way. An admission and an apology is paramount: “I realize I spoke out of anger, and I hurt your feelings. I’m sorry for the hurt I caused you.” This is the most basic way of making amends.

Making restitution. In some situations, making restitution is required. For example, if a crime has been committed, something has been stolen or damaged, a lie has been told, or someone has been a repeat offender/abuser, then restitution may be needed to make amends. The complexity of these circumstances is beyond the scope of this blog. I encourage you to seek wise counsel from a sponsor, therapist, or pastor.

Being right verses being love. This is one of the biggest obstacles to making amends. “The world is divided into people who think they are right.” End of quote. Early in my career as a young pastor, I was surprised by how easily people got offended at me for, what seemed to me, the silliest of things.

I remember one church member who waited to talk to me in the church foyer while I was talking to other people. They got offended when I had to leave to get the service started and didn’t have time to talk to them. I remember one church couple who called me on a Friday afternoon and wanted emergency marriage counseling on the same Friday night. I told them I couldn’t meet that night, but I could schedule an appointment in a few days. They got offended and left the church.

Unspoken expectations are resentments waiting to happen. As a young pastor, I could easily get defensive and try to point out the error of their expectations. But this rarely helped heal a broken heart. Eventually, I learned to just acknowledge the hurt they experienced and let them know I was sorry for the hurt they felt (without trying to counsel them or correct them). Just acknowledging their pain was helpful in the healing process. I let them know my intentions were not to harm, but I was sorry for the harm they felt. This approach opened up space to listen, heal, and dialogue. Our intentions and our impact are two different things.

Being love is always a priority over being right in many (most?) circumstances of interpersonal relationships. (For wisdom on the work of social justice and confronting systemic injustice, learn from Gandhi, MLK, non-violent civil disobedience, and restorative justice.)

Taking care of your side of the street. This is an important insight from the recovery community. All we can do is take care of our side of the street. Our focus is to change what we can change in ourselves and do all we can do to heal broken relationships. Most relational hurts are a two-way street, but we can only work on ourselves. Many people try to make amends by admitting to some minor infraction, but then focus on defending themselves and blaming the other person for what they did wrong. This approach usually leads to more harm and an endless cycle of blame and accusations towards each other. It bypasses listening skills, empathy, deep understanding, and usually never contributes to emotional healing.

Wounded healers. Most human beings on planet earth have the capacity to become wounded healers—to create out of their own wounds a vulnerable and healing connection with another wounded human. This is what our world needs more than ever. Making amends is central to healing wounds and trauma of the heart. “When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers,” says Henri Nouwen who is the author of The Wounded Healer.

Three years after my public meltdown as a megachurch pastor in Kansas City, Missouri, I was walking down Main Street in Frisco, Colorado. At this point in my post-meltdown life, I had already apologized to several thousand people (in-person, in-writing, and in-videos) for my downfall to addiction and adultery. Walking down Main Street in Frisco, I bumped into a couple that had met and married at my church in Kansas City. I was their pastor who had fallen.

We greeted each other with a hug, and I briefly caught up on their new marriage and life together. They asked how I was doing, and I let them know how difficult the last few years had been since my downfall. At one point, I paused and looked them in the eye and said: “I just want to apologize to you for my struggle with addiction and adultery. I was your pastor, and I am sorry for any hurt I may have caused you.” They both started crying on Main Street in Frisco. I cried with them as we hugged each other again.

I still have hope for healing a broken world, but we cannot heal if we cannot admit the harm we have caused—individually, collectively, systemically, historically, and internationally.

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will live as one
(“Imagine” by John Lennon)

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2024