Gratitude

Listen: “Kind and Generous” by Natalie Merchant

 “Our brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones,” according to psychologist Rick Hanson (Hardwiring Happiness). I have to consciously strive to focus on what is beautiful, lovely, and gracious, lest I fall into the toxic trap of negativity, pessimism, and self-pity. It is truly a struggle at times, even though I usually fall in the “cautiously optimistic” group.

 Ironically, I found Thanksgiving Day this year (2021) exceptionally challenging. In years past, I was always spending Thanksgiving Day with my mom and dad and sisters (and nephews and nieces) or with my in-laws. There were always places to go and too much food to eat. Three years ago I was in rehab in Georgia and missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Years with my family for the first time in my life. This year my family decided to celebrate Thanksgiving on Friday.

 So I got up Thanksgiving Day this year without a plan, and I didn’t anticipate how I might feel throughout the day. In the morning, I facilitated a support group meeting, and in the early afternoon, I did a mountain bike ride at Smithville Lake alone. After riding, I came home and watched football games alone. I’m enough of an introvert that “alone” is not usually a bad thing for me, but I felt exceptionally alone this Thanksgiving Day. I didn’t anticipate these feelings. They snuck up on me. I started thinking: “my mom and dad are blessed with children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. My sisters are blessed with children, grandchildren, and in-laws. I’ve always wanted children and grandchildren. I don’t have children, grandchildren, or a spouse—all deep, life-long desires.” This Thanksgiving Day I was grieving, feeling a sense of loss—losses on top of losses. (Friday Thanksgiving with my family was amazing so these were temporary thoughts and feelings, but true to my experience.)

 I know I am not alone. I am thinking of people who have lost their parents, lost a sibling, lost a friend, lost a loved one, lost a spouse, or even lost a child. I am thinking of people who have experienced addiction, crushing broken dreams, or whose lives have been suddenly altered by unexpected illnesses, accidents, or disasters. I am thinking of people who have suffered trauma and abuse. I am thinking of people who feel alone because they still haven’t found a partner to love unconditionally. And holidays can be exceptionally difficult for those who grieve—grieving always seems to last longer than it should. Why can’t I just “snap out of it” as Cher so iconically stated in the movie Moonstruck?

 How do you just layer over these deep emotional losses with a gratitude list? I have heard Brené Brown and other psychologists talk about the danger of “toxic positivity.” Mark Manson said, “Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires. The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame” (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life). Toxic positivity can be defined as “the excessive and ineffective over generalization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience” (“Toxic Positivity: The Dark Side of Positive Vibes,” by Samara Quintero and Jamie Long; thepsychologygroup.com).

 Despite this warning, the human brain is wired to get stuck in the opposite direction—toxic negativity. Perhaps we are best served to keep a creative tension between the two extremes. “Life, as the biblical tradition makes clear, is both loss and renewal, death and resurrection, chaos and healing at the same time; life seems to be a collision of opposites” (Falling Upward by Richard Rohr, p. 54).

 Studies done by psychologist Rick Hanson and verified by neuroscientists like David Eagleman show that we must consciously hold on to a positive thought or feeling for a minimum of fifteen seconds for it register in our neurons. Gratitude needs to be cultivated even in hardship. So here’s my gratitude list for 2021 about which I have thought deeply.

I am grateful for:

>  My family: parents, sisters, in-laws, nephews, nieces who have loved me and stood by me through my darkest days

>  My friends: you find out who your true friends are when you screw up and lose everything

>  My friends in recovery: this group of people saved my broken life

>  Beauty of nature: I find renewal by moving my body in outdoor spaces

>  Health: so grateful in can still walk and ride my bike

>  Supporters: people who have encouraged me, followed me, and financially supported me through Spirituality Adventures

>  Love: in all its forms, love wins

> Grace: as revealed through people and through Jesus

>  Hope: for a redemptive future

>  God: I still believe

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2021