Feelings

Listen: “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac

One of the skills I have worked on in therapy and in meditation is the art of sitting with my emotions long enough to listen to them and name them. I am learning to be curious, kind, and compassionate to my own emotions. This does not come easy for me because I spent a lifetime trying to battle, suppress, or conquer my emotions. Studies like Marc Brackett’s, Permission to Feel, show that Americans are woefully under-skilled in emotional intelligence. Especially when it comes to negative emotions. According to Brackett, the simple skill of naming and reflecting on your own emotions is a step towards healthy processing of emotions.

Over the past month, I have had a barrage of emotions sweep over me. This all relates to the rebuilding of my career since my public meltdown. For the first time in over four years, I am pastoring a brick and mortar church again. It’s a part-time position as Lead Pastor of Living Water Christian Church. I have been flooded with emotions as I step into this new adventure. I am adding the role of Lead Pastor to my ongoing work with Spirituality Adventures.

To say the last four years has been difficult is a gross understatement, especially as it relates to my pastoral career and calling. I have been a pastor my entire adult career, but, in the wake of my meltdown, my pastoral career and sense of calling was shattered. It’s been a slow rebuilding process. Over two years ago, I emerged publicly on social media doing Spirituality Adventures. My goal was/is to ignite spiritual growth through blogs, podcasts, events, groups, pastoral care, and teaching. I have been working full-time, but only getting paid part-time through a small core team of faithful donors who support Spirituality Adventures.

I love the work I do with Spirituality Adventures. We have touched thousands of people through social media and hundreds through personal pastoral care and support groups. I have really enjoyed the work I do with a large number of people who are not in the Christian church world. This would include people I have met in the recovery world, people who have left the church due to religious trauma or deconstruction, or people who have never been in the church world.

So, stepping back into the church world again after a four year “forced sabbatical” has been a huge step of faith for me. And it has been accompanied with a range of emotions. Here are a few of them:

Surreal. Even though I tried to leave the pastor role behind, it never left me. Even when I was struggling with my recovery and questioning everything I had believed, I would still find myself connecting with people pastorally. I never stopped caring for people and their spiritual life. At the same time, the church I founded and pastored for almost thirty years never left my heart. I have always loved the people of Vineyard Church and sought to make amends whenever I could. Stepping into a different church after all I have gone through feels like a weird dream sequence.

Fear. What if I fail again? For most of my pastoral career, things looked great from the outside. I was pastoring a growing church and trying to manage all the expectations that came with it. I would have bet money against myself failing the way in which I failed. Such a major public failure like I went through shook my confidence. Also, I feel overwhelmed because a small church does not have the resources to which I had become accustomed. Can I start over again with limited resources, be faithful to my calling, and be authentic to whom I am becoming?

Grateful. I am grateful to the people of Living Water Christian Church who decided to believe in me. I am grateful to God for a new opportunity. I am grateful for family and friends who have walked through my darkest moments and continued to love me.

Conflicted. I am hoping that I can continue to expand my work with Spirituality Adventures and Living Water Christian Church. I love working with people outside the church, and I want to continue to provide safe spaces for people to learn, grow, question, doubt, and discover new spiritual awakenings. I feel I have gained two precious communities of people over the last four years which have enriched my life—the recovery community and the mindfulness meditation community. I realize these communities may overlap for some people like myself, but I also realize that each community is unique with a special calling apart from each other. I hope I can be faithful to the unique calling of each community—church, recovery, meditation.

Love. One of the things that convinced me to serve Living Water Christian Church as Lead Pastor was their desire to practice hospitality to everyone. It is a church which radically accepts and welcomes everyone. I have always been big on God’s love and grace. I would say now, I am more radically committed to God’s love and grace. It’s more vast than we can ever grasp. I want to serve with a community of people who are committed to walking out God’s radical love and grace in a broken and divided world.

Hope. I feel hope percolating in my heart. The last four years have been the most challenging years of my life. I have doubted, questioned, cursed, cried, screamed, laughed, anguished, believed, prayed, meditated, connected, learned, forgiven, relearned, discovered, and surrendered. Sometimes all in the same moment it feels. I’ve wondered where my new path would lead me. So I have some hope bubbling up, and for that I am thankful. I hope to see you soon. Thanks for reading.

Shalom

©realfredherron, 2023